I often am inspired to write on topics based on requests from our readers or the comments left on some of our blog posts. One reader recently suggested writing a piece about how a man can ask his wife or girlfriend to try a spanking relationship. So, after giving it some thought, figured I would just write to the ladies themselves. Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend has asked you to read this, I encourage you to do so with an open mind as I explain the many benefits of this type of relationship.
First off, I TOTALLY understand that the idea of spanking your husband or boyfriend might be a difficult concept to embrace. I too had never had any thought or intention of spanking my husband “for real” or having this sort of element in our relationship. Yet, here I am and we’ve never been happier! That’s not to say we weren’t happy before but we’ve transcended to new levels of happiness as is explained below.
Secondly, I’d like to point out that this isn’t the same thing as Femdom. Not that you couldn’t take it there if that’s what works for you as a couple (no judgement from me). But Femdom generally refers to the male being dominated by the a female (or dominatrix) in areas of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism) and usually are part of a sexual scene or fantasy. But that is not what we do. It also doesn’t mean that your husband or boyfriend is or should become emasculated or wimpy. My husband, for example, is an impressive and ominous looking gent. The type of guy that when we walk hand in hand at the mall, other guys think twice before giving me any sort of flirtatious look. He is a “man’s man” in pretty much every way. Rides dirt bikes, played sports, trained in jiu jitsu, used to box, still lifts weights, works on cars, etc. And I love that. I liken this to having an ominous, yet well trained pitbull walking along side of me. It’s kinda’ like that.
And most importantly, this isn’t about humiliating or being mean to your husband. In fact, there needs to be a good foundation or basis of a relationship with which to begin. If you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship this won’t (and shouldn’t) save that relationship. I am also not stating or implying in any way that adding spanking to your relationship can take the place of individual or couple’s counseling, if it is needed. But, if you have a foundation of love and respect (even if it has been tarnished in recent months or years), I encourage you to read through this as I truly believe in its ability to transform your marriage/relationship into achieving higher levels of trust, respect, intimacy, and love.
Benefits of a Spanking Relationship:
Little to No Tension – As I’ve probably stated within a variety of posts or pages on this site, this is a huge deal. We have very little tension between us because, after we agreed to this type of relationship (consensual) and set some ground rules (communication); there are very few things he does that really get me upset. Because over the years, when he’s done things to upset me (things he and I both agreed that should be kept in check), I just took him to the woodshed and gave him a good, hard and very real spanking for it. Not in a frenzy or out of control but very structured and very real. I can tell you from experience, that it only takes a time or two of getting a REAL spanking and they learn very quickly to not repeat the offense. As an example…I know women that have griped for YEARS about their man leaving the toilet seat up OR leaving his clothes on the floor instead of putting them into the hamper. Over time these seemingly small acts have grown into a huge contention point for them. I assure you that in our house, any and all bad habits like this have been addressed and he no longer does them. Ergo…no tension.
HIS Well Being – My husband has a type A personality and drives himself pretty hard in work and play. As is the case, sometimes I can tell that he is stressed and perhaps feeling the weight of the world (by his own standards) weighing heavily on him. Usually as I start to notice this, he also starts acting out in small ways with little bits of attitude, if not outright defiance. And I know that regardless of the reason, he needs that release of stress that re-calibrates his brain and his perspective. He’s mentioned to me many times that he feels “more balanced” or “calm” after a domestic discipline session. And not just immediately after the spanking, but for weeks afterwards. His attitude, stress level, and overall demeanor after a spanking are much improved. As his partner, I love being able to provide this for him. If your husband or boyfriend is asking you for this and you don’t provide it, you need to realize that he may seek out that element somewhere else. For some women, that might be OK but I prefer to be the one to do it for a variety of reasons. Besides, if he needs it, is asking for it, it is helpful to him, and you love him…wouldn’t you want to at least explore it? And as a nice aside, our relationship is better for it.
My Empowerment – Many women feel uncomfortable putting their foot down in a relationship. Society often dictates that women be compassionate and compliant. That we be communicative and agreeable with our partners. In very few areas of our lives can we rule with absolute power. After the initial “set up” of the parameters of the new arrangement, a woman can be empowered in ways she had never thought possible! There is no threat of being considered a bitch, a ball-buster, a nag, bitter, or even undesirable. Her strength and control is wanted and needed. It can actually be a healthy outlet for her personally.
Eager to Please – Not gonna lie…I do love his eagerness to please after I’ve taken him down a notch or two. Without being “wimpy” about it, he becomes a model citizen that is very eager to please. I usually see this in his very polite responses, attitude, and the fact that he’ll generally knock an item or two off of his usually very short honey-do list. Perhaps in his Type A mind, he can allow himself to be more submissive during this time, considering what he just went through. He likes to excel at anything he does so in this case he is excelling at being well-behaved.
Pampered – He’s always been a romantic type of man even going back to the days when we first started dating. But there is something else that happens when you’re in a spanking relationship. His adoration of you increases substantially. Not that he didn’t love you before. But, with this type of relationship, there has to be good communication throughout and a great deal of trust. This is a new level of intimacy that is hard to explain but certainly felt. And with this, comes his increased desire to pamper and please me.
Well-Behaved – Bottom line…post spanking, he is extremely well-behaved. Now for the record, I’d like to add that he was “brought up right” and is naturally a polite and well mannered man. But like I stated above, he can get assertive/aggressive from time to time and just needs to be “re-balanced” now and then. And after said re-balancing, his “well-behaved-ness” is almost tangible.
Help Him Achieve Goals – This is something that was HIS request and I find very admirable. I’m sure you would agree that we all have things we want or set out to do. Or goals we want to achieve, but for a variety of reasons, we don’t get them done. It could be anything really. For example: going to the gym “x” number of times per week, lose “x” number of pounds or whatever…he’ll create a goal for himself and instead of just having that goal and keeping track of it himself. He’ll tell me what the goal is and ask for repercussions if he doesn’t achieve it by whatever timeline he thinks he should. This added amount of accountability has really improved his success rate on achieving his goals. Why? Because there is a real consequence that happens if he doesn’t. Without this consequence, he (like most of us), would just push the date back another week or month to achieve that goal because there are no real repercussions.
Short Honey Do List – If you guys share a home, you know that there never seems to be a shortage of things to do around the house. From mowing the lawn, changing the filters to the AC, getting the car lube and oiled, bathing the dogs, replacing burnt out light bulbs, etc. It is a never ending list and continues to get things added to it. I’ve spoken to many of my girlfriends who have complained to varying degrees, that their husband’s “honey do” list just keeps growing and how he doesn’t seem to place a high priority on most if not all things on the list. I’m glad to report that due to reasons mentioned above, my husband’s “honey do” list is kept pretty short. And that is completely without me reminding, nagging, griping, bitching, etc. Now isn’t THAT a pleasing thought?
“What about the size and strength difference? How could I possibly spank him, even IF I wanted to?” Well…if you were asked to read this article, then he’s already ASKING you to. Meaning there is some level of commitment on HIS end to submit himself to a real domestic discipline session. But here’s where the rubber meets the road. Some men asking you to do this may be in total fantasy mode. Only THINKING they want a real spanking.
So men…if you’re asking your wife to read this and you think you want to be accountable by way of real corporal punishment…are you prepared to take a real punishment spanking from her? That is…one swat right after another with an implement like a doubled over belt, heavy wooden bath brush or cane? These implements HURT. But…that is what makes them an effective deterrent and behavior modifier. Make sure you know what you’re asking for. If you’re looking for “fun spankings“, that is a totally different conversation. But if you feel you can and want to submit to a real domestic discipline spanking and more importantly, can take a real punishment spanking, then communicate that with your wife and you two should test out a real spanking. Submitting to a real punishment is not an easy thing to do. Just ask my husband.
Back to the ladies…Most men want/need a powerful female partner in their relationship to hold them accountable. In fact, you’d be surprised at how many men would welcome the idea of being held accountable by way of a spanking. Perhaps you’re on your way.
Still not sure? Perhaps you’re thinking, “Should I even have to spank him? He’s an adult for goodness sake.”
Yes, he IS adult but as you’ve probably heard and experienced…men are just grown up little boys.
The main differences now, are that their responsibilities have increased, their toys have gotten more expensive and perhaps most importantly, the repercussions and punishments for their actions have lessened significantly if not disappeared altogether. This is why most men can be so ornery, bratty, arrogant and downright difficult at times. The plain fact of the matter is that men don’t always act like an adult. Convince me otherwise. At one point or another, men will throw a fit, tantrum, act entitled, selfish, arrogant or rude.
Many of these ornery or difficult episodes might beget a conversation (or argument), with the man refusing to take responsibility or admitting he was wrong. And what are the current repercussions for him in this scenario? Passive aggressive statements, nagging, ignoring him, withholding sex or affection? Certainly not healthy for ANY relationship. And what’s really crazy is that in many cases, the man has gotten so good at tuning you out, that he doesn’t really understand why you’re doing those negative things to him and will start to resent YOU for YOUR actions. So not only does it not get resolved, it continues to cause frustration and the resentment grows between the both of you.
At some point in time, the woman will do one of three things. 1) Try AGAIN to talk to him about it and her desire to curb the offending behavior. 2) Continue to tolerate it which will continue to breed resentment. OR 3) She’ll leave.
Of course there the other side of that coin too: 1) He will get tired of your “talks”, nagging and passive aggressive punishments. 2) He’ll continue to tolerate it which will continue to build his frustration and resentment OR 3) HE’LL leave.
In our situation, IF my husband breaks a rule or does something else deemed a transgression, the best course of action is to give that little boy in a man’s body, a good old fashion butt blistering. Aside from the pain from the spanking being an effective deterrent, this also works well because men respond to STRENGTH. It is hardwired in them. Men, unlike women, don’t usually learn or respond well to a lesson unless they FEEL the repercussions. Remember, it was a man that coined the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” Which translate to, “I have to feel some pain, in order to improve my performance or situation.”
OK, I’m in…What’s next?
It all starts with good communication. Sit down together and ask him to come up with rules or things he thinks might be a good reason to get punished for. Paying a bill late. Forgetting to take out the trash. Forgetting to call when he’s going to be late. Ask him to be honest. Ask him if there are any behavior modifications that he’d like some accountability for. Like losing 5 lbs or drinking less or gambling less. Whatever makes sense in your relationship.
Then, together come up with rules around what a spanking, a REAL spanking looks like to you. Describe that a real spanking means he can’t opt out of it. He has to be man enough to take what is being dished out. That’s what a real spanking is. The thought will assuredly scare him and perhaps even excite him at the same time. Remind him that if he is unable to take a real spanking, then it is just a fantasy to him and not a real punishment.
Tell him that in order for it to be an effective behavior modification tool, it needs to be fairly harsh. Ask him if that is what he is signing up for. Not beginning with a less intense implement like your hand or light sandal. Something a bit more severe, like a belt or paddle.
You may consider using a safeword but let’s be honest, in a real spanking, there shouldn’t be any safewords. This is where trust & responsibility intersect:
Having said that, perhaps you start with a defined number. Let’s say 10 or 20 swats with a paddle for a particular offense. That spanking should be given on the bare butt, no warm up, no rubbing his butt in between swats or long lengths of time in between swats. Question for the man, “Can you stay in position for this kind of spanking? Is this level of accountability what you’re ready to accept?”
The good news ladies…IF your husband is ready, agrees to this and CAN take the punishment, you’ll see that these real punishment sessions WILL bring forth the very changes in attitude and behavior that you’ve been trying to achieve using other, less effective, more harmful ways, that are also damaging to the relationship.
A good hard spanking, something that he opted into (consensual) but still very real; IS going to make an impression on him. Not just his backside but his psyche. Not only will he feel regret for the transgression that he was getting spanked for, he’ll appreciate you and recognize your newfound power. And he’ll become eager to correct his behavior and please you.
It is important to remember that at the end of the spanking, I firmly believe that you should hold him or give him some affection. I know after I’ve given my husband a severe whuppin’, I WANT to hold him afterwards. I want to let him know that I still love him and that the spanking is over.
The reason or transgression for the spanking happened and is in the past. The real spanking addressed that transgression and once the spanking is over, the punishment is over. There are no grudges held, no silent treatment given, no passive aggressive bullshit. He earned a punishment and you gave it to him. It is now time to express your love for him. He. Will. ADORE you for this.
After I give my husband a hard spanking, I always tell him to come to me. He’ll usually walk over to me with his head down and then kneel in front of me. He’ll hold me around my waist and apologize for his actions very sincerely, as I lovingly caress his hair. It is a very intimate moment between us.
Not to mention, that when you are giving him a honest to goodness butt whuppin’, if you did have any tensions and frustrations with him, they too are getting released during the act of the spanking. But again, it is imperative that you not be out of control. A real spanking is one that is hard, but always in control.
And in the future, instead of not feeling like you’re being heard or that you are powerless…You’ll find it’s quite the contrary. His selective listening will significantly diminish and you will be heard loud and clear. You’ll feel a power surge within you, like one you’ve probably not felt before. Just at the notion that you can take him to the woodshed and tan his backside for any misdeed. And your husband, who has accepted this approach and been pushed to his limits and beyond, will see you in a more powerful light and love and respect that power.
There is no resentment as there would be with the silent treatment or other toxic passive aggressive methods. No, he wanted and agreed to be held accountable in this way. And trust me, the pain from the domestic discipline session will start to cultivate him into a better person. BTW, the last part of that last sentence, was a quote from my husband who has been living with the accountability of real corporal punishment for years now. He has told me several times that he appreciates me taking the time and effort to correct him in this way.
Real domestic discipline allows a man to throw off the mantle of expectation and release control to his partner in these situations. And just as importantly, it allows his partner to feel empowered in a way that doesn’t take anything away from his masculinity. Because that power was given by choice (consensual).
We’ve all heard the saying, “Behind every great man…is a great woman.” Well, maybe she was behind him with a belt. 😉
Also see my follow up post to this: Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad.
Good morning, in my case it was my wife who proposed it to me, I loved that he spanked me, in fact I thank him for having made me stop smoking, it cost a lot of beatings with the slipper and many marks on the body but thanks to that I don’t smoke anymore.
A great article, Wicked Queen. I have some male friends that are trying to get their wives, gf’s to punish them. I will pass this blog on to them for their wives to read. Thank you for writing this.
spankedcowboy
Thanks cowboy! Still going through and proofreading my post. I had a variety of thoughts all coming in at once when writing and started jotting down notes to included them all. Then went through and tried to piece it all together. Also going to add a few more pics. Appreciate the feedback.
For me, I asked my wife to discipline me but the only implement we use is the slipper because I am obsessed with feet and slippers.
Hi John and thanks for your comment. If you’re turned on by her feet and slippers, are the spankings really discipline and a deterrent?
Hi Wicked Queen,
I love your website! I’ve tried many times to get into a domestic discipline relationship with my wife. She’s sweet and has tried to do it to please me, so it hasn’t really worked. I asked her to read your website and she really liked it – especially the post with the hangers – she has a few pet peeves and completely related to it.
She’s started to give me a list of chores complete with deadlines, so this is definitely something new. So far she’s given me lines for delaying a task and has left her heavy wooden hairbrush on her bedside table. I’ll let you know how it develops.
Thank you for inspiring her!
All the best,
Ben
Hi Ben and thank you so much for the comments and kind words. I’m very happy to hear your wife is starting to implement some rules with consequences! Wives giving spanking consequences to their husbands is SO much better than the arguments and resentment that can happen between couples over what are usually trivial things. A Win-Win for all. As an aside…many years ago, my husband created a couple interactive Excel spreadsheets. One is a customizable spanking calculator and one we call the ATS which stands for Accountability Task Sheet. This spreadsheet is a list of his chores around the house and there are a number of swats assigned to each chore. When he checks off the chore as done, the spreadsheet automatically reduces the total number of swats by the number assigned to that chore. We review it at the end of the week and if all his chores are done (to my satisfaction), then no swats are given. In fact I often reward such behavior. But if not all things were taken care of, there is another part of the spreadsheet (that I loaded with some harsh implements), that get randomly selected to be the implement to give the remaining number of swats. Perhaps we can make each spreadsheet available to buy on the website for really cheap.
Hi Wicked Queen,
The ATS sounds very fun, well for you anyway! My wife is very methodical so wouldn’t be interested in randomness. I however would love to see the ATS! She’s created a structure for me that involves things like regular chores, Bedtime, a driving license that she endorses with demerits for what she feels is dangerous or illegal among other things (if I accumulate 12 demerits she will confiscate my keys for a week).
Since I last wrote, she’s spanked me once but is still scared to hurt me so it wasn’t so bad.
I would so buy the ATS if you make it available 🙂
Hi Ben,
Good to hear from you again and I’m glad to hear she has spanked you! That’s OK if it wasn’t that bad, at least it is a start and once she gets some experience with it, it’ll come more naturally to her. I just recently tasked my husband with doing a post about The Wicked Switch. The most dreaded implement in our household. He had started it but needs to finish it. In just looking at the drafts now on our blog, I see he has started a post on the ATS. I’ll have to ask him what the hold up is and give him the proper motivation to get that finished. The ATS he created is an excel spreadsheet. But is easy enough to use. Are you at all familiar with Excel? The plan is for him to finish that post, then offer it for a price where you can download it. Don’t worry though, I’ll light a fire under his backside to get these things finished.
Your stuff is awesome good article. Truth to when you said men are boys in adult bodies with more expensive toys
Hi Bernie and thanks for the kind words. And yes, I’ve found that to certainly be the case with most men. 🙂
Yeah. I’m 25 and my girl punishes me for fun and for dominance to please herself.I’m a cage fighter and firefighter so I’m pretty masculine. I don’t mind it’s our dirty lil secret nobody knows about it just us
Hey there! Thanks for the comment and we always love hearing from couples involved in “this thing of ours”. 😉 Have a great weekend!
Will have to present this to my wife. However we have little ones with very little alone time. Not sure how it would work. Any ideas?
Good! I hope she is open to it. As far as little ones, yes, we have children as well and I will either take my husband to the woodshed while the kids are in school, or drop them off at one of our parents or friends for some alone time (Can be an good kickoff to a date night!). And last but certainly not least, there are quiet implements such as the cane or my Wicked Switch. Very quiet but very powerful in teaching a lesson. I’ve spanked my husband in our bedroom, late at night after the kids are asleep. We’ve never had them wake up before during this. Good luck to you!
Every man who wants his wife to become a disciplinarian should show her this article. The key is the benefits to HER. When my husband introduced me to domestic discipline, I had no idea how much I would benefit. Wives need to understand this! Here are just a few of the benefits to me:
1. I have not cleaned a toilet since we started DD.
2. I get a foot massage or a pedicure whenever I want. (I actually sent him to a training program to learn manicures and pedicures.)
3. We no longer have big fights. I can end a fight whenever I want by spanking him.
4. His attitude is a thousand percent better. He is always asking me what he can do for me.
5. When I talk, he actually listens.
6. He is much calmer and much quieter. He lives by the F/m adage that “talking is the third purpose of the male tongue.”
7. Speaking of which: He kneels for me at least once a day. I kneel for him on his birthday.
I could list a million more!
Antonia
My problem is that my wife already gets all that from me. And she likes me to be dominant. I see no way to talk to her about this subject that she would understand.
This is a beautiful treatise on the immeasurable power available to those ladies (and there are many) who are weighing the prospect of introducing spanking in their committed relationship. I have had dozens of conversations about love and marriage with men from all walks of life. I continue to be very impressed by the number of gentlemen who yearn for the discipline of a strict loving lady. My conclusion is that this trend is growing and appears to be the wave of the future.
I say give it a go, ladies! Believe me, a man will never be “over you” after he has spent quality time over your knee.
Love and Blessings,
Gary
Hi Gary and thank you for the kind words and we agree 100%! 🙂
When my wife and I started our DD journey she was very hesitant and did not want to become my disciplinarian. After a great deal of talking she agreed to try it for 3 months and then let me know her decision . That was 12 years ago and could not be happier. We are not in a FLR , I take care of all the finances and investments.l also try to help her with household chores.
Hi Hank and sorry I missed this comment the first time around. Glad to hear that the trial period worked out. Honestly, most women I know would LOVE all the benefits of adding this element to their relationship, if they would just give it a try. 🙂
As a man I tottaly agree with this. I had one girl friend some years ago who did not hesitate to spank me.
I have not found a woman since that has any interest and some have thought I was really weird for bringing up the subject.
Hi Darin and thanks for commenting. Yeah, it is a subject that can be tricky to bring up. We pretty much evolved into this over a period of many years, but it all started with our fun spankings play. That said, there are a variety of dating service sites that expand to allow people with interest in spanking and other areas, to post some of the things they are interested. I would imagine, that you could find some people that already share some of the same interests. Good luck to you! 🙂
OK, wanting to do this for my wife to empower her but have never been spanked, even as a child. She may also resist giving a punishment spanking to me because she won’t want to cause me pain. Hopefully if she reads your article it would convince her to give it a try. Is there such a thing as a trial period or test spanking so we both know what were getting ourselves into or do we just need to jump in and do it? My wife tends to suppress her anger because she doesn’t want to upset me even though I’m pretty easy going, but ends up hurting both of us because she withdraws and won’t communicate. My thought is that if I put her unconditionally in charge of my discipline that she would be empowered to better be able to communicate her feelings. There are times that I know that I hurt her without knowing it but she isn’t usually willing to share. I do know that I can be hard headed and set in my ways sometimes which is some of the things the spankings should help me correct. I also like your idea of using it for self improvements as I could use to lose 30 to 40 pounds and should be better on my to do list. Your thoughts!
Hello and thank you for your comments and question. I don’t think there is only ONE set of rules as it pertains to adding this element to your lifestyle. It really depends on the couple as each are unique. And each person within the couple is unique. The most IMPORTANT thing is communication. Before, during and after. Not sure how approachable your wife is, but if she is, maybe ask her to read this article and the follow up article to it. That would at least get the conversation started. If you’ve never been spanked as a child, but are looking to submit to an actual punishment…be careful what you wish for. As my husband always says, “There is nothing fun about a real spanking!” 😉
All kidding aside…starting out slow and careful is the best approach. Experiment to see what you are capable to taking punishment-wise. You could take a swat with something and think. Hmm…yeah, that’s not that bad at all. OR you could take a swat and it instantly bring tears to your eyes and make you want to run to the hills.
We didn’t just jump into this. We’ve had a long history of spanking and a lot of experience. But again, it all centers around communication. IMHO, the benefits are definitely worth it once you get going. But it takes a little time. If you get some momentum with her, please read my husband’s page about SAFETY.
Good luck to you and we hope to hear from you again! 🙂
We still have adult children and grandchildren living with us so it’s been hard to get started. They should be moving out to their own house in the next month though so I hope to be able to get slowly started over the next few months. I think that I will suggest just starting out with hard but fun spankings and work our way up from there. I tell her each time how much I enjoy the spankings, but that they could have been even harder and longer so she can get comfortable giving them and know that I appreciate her giving them to me. When I think we’re ready I will have her read your article so that she can feel free to give “real spankings” whenever she feels it’s necessary. From then on she’s in charge.
Doing fun spankings is a great way for her to get comfortable with the act of spanking. And after she gets comfortable with spanking…look out! 😉
This is the perfect article to give to any wife who has the potential but needs the hard facts about what it takes and what she should expect. It is really great to have this information available from a wife’s perspective, and one who is experienced, knows what she’s doing, has gotten the results and can explain everything so clearly. I know this is not an easy sell. Most women are not raised with this as a model for marriage. Harsh corporal punishment is not embraced by our culture, and I think to most people it feels cruel and wrong. If my wife asked, I would have a hard time truly punishing her, and I would understand what she wants without explanation. Real punishment is not wanted by me, the one being punished, or me, the one who would be administering it.
I wish my wife was a candidate, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. Even with her own kids, she is the gentle type who is always going to try to win them over with kindness. She hates confrontation. She will never physically punish. I’ve talked with her about DD, showed her articles and videos, even got her to try an actual spanking. Her heart is never in it and, I don’t want her to have to deal with going beyond her limits.
As you know, in order for this to work, a wife must be comfortable as a very strict disciplinarian, and despite being loving, caring and safe, she must be able to give a spanking that her husband will genuinely not want repeated. My wife would have to be okay with causing me to fear her discipline. She would have to see and carry through with an ugly scene, the reality of a bad boy hollering, crying, kicking, and ultimately sitting on purple for days. If she did that, my subsequent behavior and attitude would be effectively corrected, but that’s not an acceptable trade-off for her. Not that I’m so bad. I want to please her regardless. The draw is largely that, despite my hating the punishment, she would become a powerful authority figure in my life. I would be hugely excited by that power she wants to wield, but it has to be true to her character or it is too much to ask of her.
Hi Dana and thanks for your comment, insight and excellent points. There are a couple things I’d like to address as well. Contrary to popular belief, I am actually a very kind-hearted person who also avoids confrontation. If Joey fell off a ladder or got hurt in any other way, I would be the first one there to comfort and try to help make it better. I’m sure that may sound strange to our readers who have read the discipline that I have, can and will mete out; But I think it is important to reiterate that we didn’t start at the deep end of the pool. We had played with fun spankings for many, many years. Perhaps my familiarity and that the experiences were based around “fun” and as foreplay, helped soften the transition into more serious spankings. Even at that, and based on both our desires, we evolved into me more often being the spanker and he the spankee. And true to his nature, he would test himself before uttering his safeword. But to be honest in some of those times, I would stop before because I started feeling bad about “hurting” my husband. But we’d converse about it afterwards and he’d be like, no I was ok, you could’ve kept going. It was this communication, experience and the learning of his limits that I believe helped me diffuse the concept of giving my husband a DD spanking.
I believe there are women who are naturally strict and dominant and can make that transition much easier, but I’m living proof that a soft spoken, kind, non-confrontational woman…can transform into “The Wicked Queen”, when discipline is needed. Every couple is unique as is each person in the couple. And only communication, trust, and love can give this type of thing any chance for flight. And it is possible that it may be something that a woman (or man), may never be able to get comfortable with. But, I will contend that if a woman can get to that point, IMHO, the benefits to the relationship are well worth the effort. 🙂
This is exactly what makes DD and a very strict wife so appealing and, I imagine, so fulfilling for a husband who is accountable to her. The fact that you are kind-hearted, nurturing and fair is why discipline can feel positive and work effectively. My wife could make a great disciplinarian because I would have to respect and value her judgment, not just because she was capable of administering real spanking punishment, but because of who she is. When I see my punished behind in the mirror the next day, or feel discomfort when sitting down, the message she imprinted can only be that this is what I rightfully earned, and that it was given with the moral authority she is so worthy of holding. I’m reminded of my own strict parent when punishment was clearly earned, and there was no second-guessing the motivation behind it. When my wife acts in that strict-but-caring role, it enhances feelings like that, but also positive feelings that go well beyond.
Do you think it can go both ways or does one person have to be in charge? Could you both be held accountable
Sure. I think it just depends on the couple and their desires. I’ve read that there are couples that have an established set of rules that if broken by either, the other metes out the punishment to the offender. That is an entirely different dynamic than what we’ve chosen to do, but it doesn’t make it wrong. 🙂
The couples I communicate with generally do not switch, either because their spanking relationship started out that way and naturally remained so or because they tried switching and discovered that one partner eventually needed to be either “er” or “ee”. My wife is dominant by nature and established how such things would be handled if we were to stay together. Fine by me! Her way of dealing with me is strict, fair and final when she has spoken her authoritative word. In an argument, she lets me know when I am on thin ice with her. Beyond that point, I have only myself to blame. But if a couple can maintain balance by switching, more power to them! I just know it is out of the question in my own marriage.
Quick question, how do you handle or explain bruises on the buttocks’ when you go to the doctor or emergency room? I wouldn’t want my spouse accused of abuse. If something happened where I couldn’t tell them it was consensual she’d have no proof. I really want to give this a try but don’t want to start anything that could get my wife in trouble with the law especially if something happened to me. Is there a document that could be prepared ahead of time that would show that it was consensual?
Good question, even though we’ve been doing this for many years and Joey has had bruises for weeks after a good spanking, we’ve never encountered this situation. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen of course, so it might make sense to create a document that is signed by both; but I wonder if you would need a notary to notarize that as well for it to be viable? That’s kind of a funny thought. 😉 Another thought, would be to video yourselves, stating what you do and partake in, and that it is consensual. So your wife would have something to show, in the off chance she had to. Again, I think the chances of this happening are pretty slim, BUT…I do always believe in being prepared, so good on you! 🙂
Thank You, I think that I like the video idea. It might be kind of awkward getting a document like that notarized. I do like being prepared though and I would feel terrible if something like that did happen and my wife was arrested for it. As you say it’s probably a slim chance of anything happening but just to be prepared. If I have a doctors appointment coming up we can just pause things for a couple of weeks to make sure that everything is cleared up.
This is an interesting angle I hadn’t considered. Unless you brought charges against your wife, why would she be a suspect in the case? You could have gotten the bruises many ways, including from a professional disciplinarian.
So you’re right that I would never press any charges. However spanking marks can be quite distinctive, especially if from a cane or switch. So if something happened like a car accident, heart attack or a stroke just to name a few where you could be unconscious or even pass away and the police, doctor or coroner found the marks could they charge your wife with abuse? Even if they didn’t charge her with anything the potential questioning could be quite intense. I’m wanting to do this to empower my wife, not put her into any legal peril.
So enjoyed this article and so wish I had a female partner and a relationship like yours. You make a lot of sense. Too bad this is not much more common.
Hi John, glad you enjoyed this. Keeping our fingers crossed that you find that special someone. We have a lot more visitors to our site and people who are active or wanting to include this aspect into their lives. So keep the faith! 🙂
I very much want to leave this blog post open on my wife’s iPad by accident
There you go! That’s one approach. The other is to just ask her to read it. But be careful of what you wish for. 😉
I’ve freely sent links to my girl on messenger – then again – I had confessed my desires previously, so the articles were more for instructional purposes rather than breaking the news.
Don’t discount the value and effectiveness of a few subtle hints, and a confession here and there that “I really deserve a sound spanking for this…” or the like. I also find that certain situations often lend themselves to moments of frank honesty.
At the core of what we do, is a solid communication line between Joey and I. This is especially important at or near the beginning, or when increasing intensity of spankings. Great communication will keep you both on the same page, and move the trajectory in the direction and pace, that works for the both of you.
WQ. I came across your blog some months ago and circumstances led me to forward this post to my husband, after his initial surprise that I felt that this would be helpful, and further discussions regarding the “circumstances” we agreed to a trial run of such an arraignment. One of his biggest issues was lying (big or small) and as we know lies build up to bigger problems so I told him he has to pay the price for lying. I gave him a number and as we are not experienced in this dynamic and as I don’t wish to cause him harm I broke up the “amount owed” to a daily number.
It has been a week of his nightly penance and accountability sessions and I am truly amazed at the results I have seen in his motivation, ability to think clearly and critically, as well as driving home the lesson that lying and hiding in his own head and wallowing in his own self destructive habits does not make for a harmonious life.
I wanted to reach out and express my gratitude to you both that I was not in fact insane for thinking a good kick in the ass (literally) would help him keep his head on straight. He has already verbalized to me that his sore ass is a constant reminder to behave and keep his shit together
Xoxo
Hi Alice and thank you for your comment and sharing your experience (and success)! One of my favorite parts of your comment, is that you discussed it as a couple and then came to an agreement to give it a trial (communication!). I also love that you decided to break up the spanking number, into pieces. Simply from the fact that you recognized you’re not yet experienced in this dynamic and want to be effective, but you still want to be careful. Very smart.
Accountability on the backside has been very effective for Joey, and we also find there is also a wonderful closeness and intimacy shared, when domestic discipline is part of the relationship. Would be glad to answer any questions for you. Best of luck to you and hope to hear from you again. 🙂
I cannot imagine this being successful or even possible without having a discussion, the man is literally twice my size it would be physically impossible. 😂😂
Thank you for responding and allowing yourself to be a resource.
Many years ago shortly after we were married I made the mistake of insulting my wife’s mother and demeaning her religious beliefs. She waited to respond until we were in her house with no one else present. She listed my offenses and then sternly said that she would make certain I would be more considerate in the future. She said she was going to give me a spanking I would never forget. At first I thought she was joking but as she continued and became more stern and delineated exactly what she intended it became clear she wasn’t joking. As I pushed back and tried to dissuade her she said I was making things worse and warned me to shut up. She asked if my mother had ever taken down my pants and tanned my behind, to which I said of course not. She said it showed and that she was going to do exactly that. She ordered me to wait for her in my wife’s childhood bedroom. To this day I am not sure why I didn’t refuse or leave but thought how bad can it be? Embarrassing? So I waited and was getting nervous and feeling conflicted. I was big enough to resist and wanted to just get it over before someone came in which would have been really humiliating. When she entered she was carrying a short strap and a determined look. She began scolding me again and then told me to stand up. She took hold of my arm and told me to drop my pants. I said no way, and she turned me to face her and slapped my face so hard I saw stars. Then she told me again to drop my pants and this time I did. When the strap landed I jumped startled by the stinging pain and I tried to block the strap with my hand. Big mistake the strap hurt my hand and as I tried to move out of the way the strap landed again and I shouted out a four letter expletive. Then she with remarkable strength bent me over the dresser and really blistered my behind. Before she was done I was begging her to stop and promised to be good. She left with me clutching my behind and giving no thought to modesty. I took me a bit to compose myself and that night at dinner I had real trouble sitting. This never happened again but my wife knew and soon began many years of spanking me. I was very careful not to cross mother in law again.
Hi Bart and thanks for sharing your story. Glad to hear your wife took that approach and glad to hear that the spankings continued afterwards, as needed. 🙂
My wife has given me some stern hand smacks before over time. They aren’t super hard or as hard as she could but also I could feel them. I am a pretty big guy and was laughing one time after she smacked me on the bare butt before I went in the shower that she had really reddened my butt. I was doing it partially because I wanted to see if she would say oh yeah and really go to town on me. One day I was getting out of the shower and I didn’t realize she was behind me and she gave me a sound smack across the bare ass. A minute later I had a towel around my waist and she said oh you put some protection over yourself huh? I undid the towel and told her go ahead, I deserve it (which I do) and she replied, nah too much padding on you, I would need a paddle. She is kind of the dominant one in the house, we have little kids, I don’t know if this is tongue and cheek and I should continue to pursue the playful element and see if it can grow more from there OR actually take the plunge and show her something like this website. At the end of the day I’d love to have my transgressions handled right away instead of via resentments that come out much later and result in ignoring me, withholding sex, etc.
any advice WQ or Joey?
Love the site, your both excellent writers by the way.
Hey there! Thanks for the comment, the compliment and for sharing some insight. I’m always careful when offering up advice as I don’t have any real perception into the individuals, or their “couple dynamic”. But based on the experience you shared, it sounds like she could possibly be open to trying a little fun spanking at the least. That may be the better approach to start going down, to give her time to become a little more comfortable with the idea of actually spanking you. It can be great fun and is how Joey and I first started down this road. Then you can also gauge if YOU truly are open to receiving a REAL spanking or if you want to stick with fun spankings (or something in between). No wrong answers. But if you did decide to show her this article, here’s another one that might get her wheels spinning in the spanking direction. Breaking His Bad Habits.
However it works out for you, I wish you the best of luck and I hope to hear from you again. 🙂
Although I don’t go around smelling of rampant testosterone, I’m a fairly assertive person. I run my own creative business, which I started in my 20s. I have been a keen rugby player and a reasonable amateur racing driver. Yet the women I most love have always spanked my bare bottom. First it was my mother – young, beautiful and loving – but emotionally and physically deprived. My father was away most of the time and when he was there…put it this way: I never saw my father kiss my mother – but I did see him looking down other ladies’ dresses. I was an only child.
As a result, my mother and I had a very close relationship. She taught me to read at an early age, took me to fascinating places, spoke to me as if I was far older. And she had none of the usual hang-ups. If I walked in on her when she was dressing, she’d just carry on.
Nevertheless, she sometimes spanked me and spanked me hard. Not for the usual things – but for genuinely bad manners e.g. bullying, or hurting someone’s feelings unnecessarily. At first, she spanked me over her knee. Later, she bought a cane (she had been caned at her convent school). With due ceremony, I would be told to lower my trousers and underpants and bend over. She would usually give me 6 strokes – but once, after my recklessness had nearly caused the death of an eight-year-old girl, she gave me 12.
Now, after the usual batch of romances and affairs, I am very happily married. My wife Erica – also beautiful and loving – also canes me. This started when, at a rather drunken party, she found me in flagrante. She was on the verge of ditching me, until my mother -who has become very fond of her – suggested that a severe caning might be a better solution.
It was a very severe caning. , but it worked in two very important ways.
1) I will never ever stray again. I love Erica far too much to risk losing her.
2) And this is the crunch: from a very early age, I associated bare-bottom spanking by a woman with being aroused. I have also administered a few myself, as part of foreplay.
And now, especially after a caning, Erica and I have amazing sex.
Domestic F/m spankings are many-slendoured things.
Rykx
Hi Rykx and thank you for your thoughts and insight into your situation!
The major benefit for my wife and me is that at the end of the spanking (assuming she has done it as long and hard as she saw fit), we start with a clean slate. No holding onto grudges, everything is dealt with during the spanking.
Hi John, I really think that point can’t be understated. Holding grudges and passive aggressive actions are SO toxic to a relationship. We (and it sounds like you), don’t have that happening in our relationship at all. 🙂
Indeed. I take the view that as the man, I should take the pain (for her benefit) of re-establishing harmony so that grudges have no opportunity to fester beyond the next spanking. I wish more men would step up to manhood and take the pain for the long-term good of their marital lives.
I have always wanted to be in a FLR but never found the woman.
Hi Rick, sometimes it is finding the right woman via a non-vanilla dating site like Alt.com, where you can find other non-vanilla types in your area who are already looking for the same thing. In other cases, like mine…I became that type of woman over the years. In any case, I sincerely hope you find that special someone! 🙂
WOW great article. My wife is the spanker in our relationship but is not very consistent with it. But when I get spanked it is no joke. So I stumbled on your article and well got a little nervous but asked her to read it, and she did. The next thing I knew she walked into the bathroom and dropped my pants and underwear, exposed my backside and said, “So lets discuss today.” and preceded to tan my hide with the dreaded hairbrush. After I was whimpering, she said, “That will do for now, am I understood?” “Yes ma’am.” is all I could say and as she walked out she said, “Nice article.” So I am now wondering if this just made her to be more consistent. I hope so, but thanks for your time and the article. When I can sit longer I will update.
Hi James and thank your for the comment and kind words. As Joey and I always like to say…”Be careful what you wish for.” 😉
My wife did this to me today.
Good marks! But as I mentioned…she should get some color on the lower backside as well. 😉
As you know, my wife is on her way to becoming my full-time disciplinary wife. I could not be happier!!! She had spanked me before, but not punishment spankings. Eventually, I hope to cry………..that would be a dream come true! please contact us at my email and I will let you know how to get ahold of her. You are The Wicked Queen and I’m sure she would like your advice.
Hi David! Joey and I are very happy for you! As far as crying…we’re finally looking to release our first run of Wicked Switches here in the next week or two. As Joey has told me before, they are a PITA to make, and more a PITA to get spanked by one! Your wish for crying might be achieved with one of these.
Are you any closer to releasing those Wicked Switches?
Hi there and thank you for asking. We actually ARE! We’re taking the rest of the year “off” so to speak, but have all the parts and materials, and plan to start production the 1st week of January. Hopefully ready to ship by mid-January. Stay tuned. 🙂
My wife of 39 years decided (with a little pressure from me), that spanking may help my attitude, laziness, weight gain etc. Problem is that apparently my bottom can take a lot more than she can dish out. Still every Monday morning she delivers a good walloping to my backside for one transgression or another. Love that woman and I just wish she could make the sting last.
What is she spanking you with? I’m sure I can help her find something that will test the limits of your backside. 😉
What the Wicked Queen said! I’ve found that the “cute” little bamboo paddle I got my woman can make a pretty lasting impression on my bottom. Found a leather paddle/strap on Amazon that also packs a punch. On my list is a nice Italian leather belt as the Queen mentions in one of her articles. Just the thought of it makes me want to behave and -not- give her a reason to unleash it on me.
Good! Yes paddles can be very sting-y and effective. But I usually get quite the “mileage” out of a good, hard belt spanking. I think I will belt him AND paddle him for the next one.
I gave my wife-to-be, a paddle to use on me about 45 years ago! We were married soon thereafter! She took to it like a duck to water! We both get aroused when she spanks me. I even crave severe punishment spankings!
Hi Len and thanks for sharing. Glad to hear that spanking is alive and well in your household! Although, if you’re getting aroused during the spankings, then that’s not really a punishment spanking. But hey, to each their own! No judgement from us. Keep the spankings going! 🙂
I am not aroused during a severe spanking with “MY” Vermont bath brush! Before the spanking and the next day and for years later I AM!
Ah, thanks for the clarification. We have a Vermont bath brush as well, and Joey hates it as it stings so much!
She sent me to the bedroom to “Assume the position” and then took her sweet time, (about 40 minutes) before she delivered a severe spanking with 3 different implements! It was very unnerving. Somehow it scared me, destroyed my confidence, and I cried like a baby which I seldom do after a severe spanking. She told me afterwards, “The long wait causes you to squirm in anticipation, was part of your punishment. You know how your bratting really p####s me off!”
Have you ever used this tactic, (keeping Joey in the assumed position for an extended length of time),to make a point?
I haven’t had him in the bent over position for THAT long. I’ve had him kneel in front of me, while I sit in my throne and tell him what is coming and why. I’ve also had him bend over the end of the bed, and THEN will tell him what is coming and why. But that is usually only like a couple minutes before I start spanking.
Hi, my wife is a natural leader. When we first started dating I gave her a crop. She disappeared, then came back into the living room when I was, wearing black heels and a black lace teddy and order me to assume the position. She is mischievous at heart and a natural mistress. But after 6 years of disciplining me, said she can no longer do it. I miss this side of her, and wonder if this sort of activity would interest her? I know she didn’t like the dressing up part, but I can’t explain, the sight of her holding a crop drives me wild. Plus I love her to death so for her to have a list of chores or wants, and then spank me as she request they be completed is all I need. Thoughts?
Well, you know her best and so approaching her with this is best decided by you. But from what you’ve stated here, it seems like she might be very open to the idea. Good luck to you!
I have really fantasized about spanking since I was a child but I have never been spanked. now I introduced the idea to my wife and she is really interested in it, but just to make me happy. I read a lot that real discipline is not fun as we see them in video or pictures. it really hurts so I am really confused should I tell her it is just for fun and keep it with just light smacks should I try to give up my spanking fantasies kindly to answer in details cause I am a little worried a bout that idea even scared by reading that discipline is done just for important issue not for fun or pleasure.
So spanking CAN be a great deal of fun, and add some excitement to the bedroom. But I’m glad to see you’re smart enough to realize that fantasizing about a REAL spanking…is just that – FANTASY.
Most men will see a picture of video of a man getting his butt shredded with a cane, and be like, “Oh I wish that were me!”. Yeah…until that first lash lands, and REAL pain goes through their body and brain, and they reach for the panic button. LOL
BUT…nothing to be confused about. And nothing wrong with “fun spankings”. Complete with safewords. Read this:
https://domesticdiscipline.info/how-to-give-a-fun-spanking/
I would say start off down this road. That’s where we started. And over many years it evolved to what we do now, which is real DD spankings for my husband Joey. That works for us and is as it is intended to be.
But fun spankings are a good place to start. And if you decided that’s good for you, then leave it at that. A lot of people enjoy a little spanking in their foreplay.
That said, you can’t expect a “fun spanking” to curb bad behavior or attitude. I mean, that’s like giving a bad kid a candy for acting up. But, see how it goes with the fun stuff first and go from there.
By the way…kudos to your wife for being open to doing it! 🙂
I apologize if this has been asked and answered elsewhere, but I’m curious about a few things.
What happens if your husband ever decides he’s ‘over it’? Does your relationship have space for him to considee this? I recognize that it’s all consensual, and that it’s resulting in many positive outcomes for you both. Are there down sides? What are they, for you and for him?
Are there balances to the checks? How does this not end up being a primarily one sided power balance? What happens if / when you behave badly (we all do sometimes)?
Knowing myself pretty well, I do feel like I would benefit from many aspects of what you describe throughout this blog, but I also know that – even though I would likely benefit immensely from having my wife administer discipline, I also know that I would eventually chafe if I felt an “unfairness” in our relationship.
I don’t mean any of this in a critical way, or to try and “poke holes” in your guidance-on the contrary, i find your blog helpful, thoughtful, and detailed. I guess I’m just wondering if you have grappled with any of these thouggts or questions and, if so, how you have navigated them. Thank you very much.
Hi Will and thank you for the thoughtful comments and questions. Let’s get to them shall we? 🙂
What happens if your husband ever decides he’s ‘over it’? Does your relationship have space for him to consider this?
Our relationship was very strong before this element, and as we evolve, certain things change, but we’re changing together. Knowing Joey like I do, I don’t see him ever getting to the point of being “over it”, but I guess anything is possible. But the foundation of our relationship is greater than this element we’ve added to it. So, if that ever were to arise, I have no doubt we’d shine through it.
I recognize that it’s all consensual, and that it’s resulting in many positive outcomes for you both. Are there down sides? What are they, for you and for him?
Hmmm…downsides. None really come to mind. But I will say that there has been a downside to video recording our sessions. Before we started doing that, if Joey acted up or needed to be taken to the woodshed, it happened as soon as the opportunity was there. Now, we have…Lights, camera, action. And while I don’t mind making these spanking available, it puts added steps that have to be done, in order to do it, which can make any “tension” point last a little longer than it would’ve prior to video recording. I think it may just have to happen that, if we can video record it, great. If not, too bad, bend over. 🙂
Are there balances to the checks? How does this not end up being a primarily one sided power balance? What happens if / when you behave badly (we all do sometimes)?
Yes, I’m far from perfect, but I rarely behave “badly”. You may have read on our blog somewhere, that Joey is very much a Type A personality, and can have very assertive/aggressive tendencies. While he is well mannered, well spoken and most of the time, quite the gentlemen…his assertiveness, competitiveness and hubris, can sometimes become too much. He knows this as well, and knows that an attitude adjustment will calm him right down and “balance” him out. Remember, HE was the one who suggested to ME being held accountable in this way. We call what we do, a modified FLR with emphasis on DD. But on all family decisions, we are partners and discuss most family/household matters. For us there is no one sided power balance. We just have this one element, behind closed doors, that works really well for us.
Knowing myself pretty well, I do feel like I would benefit from many aspects of what you describe throughout this blog, but I also know that – even though I would likely benefit immensely from having my wife administer discipline, I also know that I would eventually chafe if I felt an “unfairness” in our relationship.
Our position is that, the “right” way to do this sort of thing, is whatever works for the couple. We’ve talked to several where the accountability spankings go both ways. So if that works for them…more power to them! There is no “one way”, set in stone on how this has to be. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual, then it should work out for you. Of course understanding that there should be copious amounts of communication along the way. 🙂
I don’t mean any of this in a critical way, or to try and “poke holes” in your guidance-on the contrary, i find your blog helpful, thoughtful, and detailed. I guess I’m just wondering if you have grappled with any of these thoughts or questions and, if so, how you have navigated them. Thank you very much.
No offense taken. Appreciate your kind words and thoughtful questions. Good luck to you and hope to hear from you again!
Thank for you very much for your response. I’ve thought about this for many years, but only recently discussed it with my wife. I suppose I was embarrassed. We’ve been talking about it for a few days now, and your blog has been an excellent resource for us both. She surprised me by actually being very enthusiastic. She thinks it could be very beneficial for our relationship, and for me. We have agreed to a two week trial of a sort of FLR, with her holding me accountable and correcting my behaviour as needed, starting on Monday. I’m not going to lie – I have more than a little anxiety about it. It’s also hard for me to work out whether this is sincere on my part, or part of my landscape of fantasy. I don’t think it will be helpful if it’s not actually genuine; if it’s in reality just part of some sort of fetish, and I wonder if doing this trial will reveal this to me. I also worry that, if it does end up being actually about discipline, that I will feel ‘less’ than her, not as equals, or lack freedom to be myself, not just in the things we’ve determined I need to work on, but in the ways that make me me. It’s all a little mixed up in my head, trying to untangle the sexual aspects of it from the self-improvement aspects, and navigating the myriad of feelings I have ranging from optimism and hopefulness to anxiety and fear, but I feel like I owe it to her and to myself to at least give it a good faith try.
My pleasure and I’m glad we’ve been able to be a resource. It is also encouraging to hear that she is enthusiastic to try. But I would ask…has she ever spanked you before? Safety is obviously very important when it comes to implementing a domestic discipline spanking to one’s partner. So many things can go wrong and turn the event into something that causes real physical (and even mental) harm, or resentment. Easing into that is key for the uninitiated. If you’ve seen a preview or bought one of our spanking videos…keep in mind that not only have ~I~ been spanking Joey over the course of 10+ years…HE’S been taking a spanking like that for over that same period or time. In other words, please don’t watch one of those videos and try to emulate that intensity of a spanking. Start off with what makes sense for you. If you’ve never been spanked before, even getting through 10 hard swats with a belt or paddle will be painful and hard to accept. Self preservation IS a thing. Even though Joey is very familiar with getting a real spanking from me, he still gets nervous before, and has mentioned countless times, that he has to battle the self preservation aspect during the spanking, as her tries to maintain position.
I obviously don’t know the dynamic between you and our wife, but I know by your questions and comments, that you’re very intelligent and going about this very thoughtfully. Just keep the communication going between the two of you, and take it one step at a time. If it is something that works for you, you’ll evolve all aspects into something unique and perfect for the both of you. Good luck to you both!
Hey Will and thanks for the comments. Jess mentioned your comments to me and asked if I could put my two bits in. Here are thoughts regarding…
“…downsides for me.” – Well the obvious downside for me, is taking a severe whuppin’ every once in a while. But to be honest, by that point, not only have I earned it and deserve it…SHE’s earned and deserves the right to give it to me. While I don’t enjoy the spanking in and of itself, man does it settle my ass down. I feel quite balanced and calm afterwards. When it is over, I’m of course, glad it’s over, but I’m also grateful that my wife was and still is, open to holding me accountable in this way. And while it is not “fantasy” for us, there is still something sexy about looking at my wife post spanking, and realizing the power she has, and the pain she can bring should I cross the line. It’s almost an intoxicating thought.
“…could be beneficial to our relationship.” – I know for a fact, it has benefited ours and other’s have reached out to us to share the same.
“…lack of freedom to be myself…in the ways that make me, me.” – This is really great foresight. The answer is going to come out in the wash. But as Jess mentioned, you convey your thoughts very well; so communicate that to your wife. I know for a fact that some of what makes me…ME, is also what ends up getting my ass blistered on occasion. But, it is now better controlled. My personality didn’t change, I still am/can be that funny, ornery, playful man she fell in love with. But when that gets to be over the top, she has a tool at her disposal to quickly tone that down. I recognize that this cultivates me, because as she said, I can get too “macho” for my own good. I suspect that your wife loves you for being you…but…perhaps there are similarities in her desire to just take the edge off?
Lastly, I whole-hardheartedly agree with the points Jess brought up about real spankings. Consensual, safe and sane are the words to keep in mind. You can always start off by incorporating a safe-word, and then just try not to use it. A real spanking is quite the painful ordeal, but…that’s what makes it effective. Good luck to you both!
Thank you both for your thoughtful responses and your insights. After discussion, we decided that two weeks would not give us the time necessary to ‘settle in’ and discover what this is ‘really like’, so we shifted our agreement from a straight two week trial to a ten week structure – two weeks following the agreement as written with a renegotiation followed by a further eight week trial before we make a more permanent decision.
Regarding your comments on safety and ‘starting slow’, we are definitely going to take things one step at a time. I have been spanked (for fun) MANY times, and a few times by my wife, but a much more experienced friend of ours was kind enough to offer her a training session on Monday night, explaining and demonstrating how to use the belt and the cane. She practiced and he helped her make the adjustments she needed to . She’s not hitting SUPER hard yet, but is confident that her swing will get harder as she gains confidence and experience.
As for the actual program of DD we are trialing, it has been quite an experience (and we’re only four days into it). I have found my thoughts to be all over the place. Sometimes I want to quit – I get down and moody or my anxiety spikes and I just want to be ‘free’, the way I was before this started. But then I think about how things have already started improving between us (they were great before, but there have definitely been some improvements that have been VERY significant, to say the least). Other times, I find myself sort of obsessed with this project and I get excited thinking about how it will improve our lives and sort of spiral into thinking about how it’s all going to work etc.
We agreed to start off with a sort of weekly check-in where any punishment from throughout the week would be administered, and that will happen on Sunday, with her having to option to give impromptu corrections as and when needed. Surprisingly, we did have a bit of a disagreement on Monday night (the very first night) I wasn’t trying to test her – it just happened organically, and I have to admit I was a little shocked when, in the middle of our discussion, she suddenly stood up and grabbed the cane. A part of me didn’t really believe she ‘had it in her’, I guess, or that it might happen ‘some day’, but to have our trial begin with a ‘drop everything and get your butt over the end of the bed’ punishment was really jarring. I was genuinely scared when I saw the look on her face and, for her part, after it was over, she told me she loved me and forgave me, but she also admitted that she felt MUCH better for having done it.
We’ve got a long way to go, and a lot of discussion and communication. I keep wavering in my feelings and thoughts – several times a day I think ‘I don’t wanna do this’, and then the pendulum swings the other way. When I’ve told her about my doubts or asked if we should just forget the whole thing, she has been kind but firm, reminding me that we agreed to a minimum of ten weeks – I told her I figured I would have all sorts of feelings, and that I would likely want to quit, but she promised to remain strong and hold us to this trial. After she punished me on Monday night, of her own accord, this all became very real to me, and it became more ‘HERS’ than it is ‘mine’ in significant ways. I feel something of a loss of control and my thoughts and feelings about that are ambiguous to say the least, but we made a commitment to one another and we both feel strongly about honoring commitments, so we are going to see this through.
Hey Will and likewise with you providing/expanding on your thoughts and insights. While I think each couple dynamic is unique to them, there is one thing I wanted to mention as it pertains to your periodic thoughts of “wanting to quit” or “be free”. I think it might be helpful for you to realize that you’re NOT trapped. You CAN stop it at any time. Just knowing that, I hope can bring some relief to any panicked thoughts that might arise. For ME, I fully know I can be a handful and that I have assertive/aggressive tendencies. I know that Jess spanking me, provides some balance and control over the negative facets of those traits. I also know that the punishment that I will receive, is going to be painful and not enjoyable at all. But that is something that ~I~ decided to offer up to her. I don’t submit to ANYONE, except her. She knows this as well. This provides added weight to my act of submitting to her for these punishments. For the record, I still get nervous before a spanking, and sometimes when I’ve gotten impromptu spankings, my self-preservation kicks in and I’m reluctant to accept the spanking for just a moment. But I do know that this works well for me, her, and us; and I bend over and take what I have coming. Jess has never spanked me for something that I didn’t fully earn and deserve. I think also knowing that can be helpful. Sorry, kind of had a thought, then started getting off on some tangents, but my underlying point is that YOU do have control, but you are choosing to submit to your love. I’m not sure I conveyed this as well as I could have, but I hope at least some of this was helpful. 🙂
I am not 100% sure from your wording that spanking has already started. Is this the case? I am guessing it is.
I suppose my wife had some sort of reluctance, but I met this reluctance with reassurance. When she had given me a painful spanking, I thanked her for it and hugged and kissed her. We then made love (as is our custom), with me kissing her throughout. After this happening for a few days, she became fully comfortable with spanking me.
If you have to use fun spankings as an intermediate step to a full disciplinary spanking, there is nothing wrong with that.
Is she showing reluctance at the moment?
My mother used a wooden spoon on me several times until the age of ten. During the spankings I would say the magic words: “Mommy loves me”. 18 years after the last one, I went to our nurse for a hepatitis vaccine, in the buttocks. I had a crush on her, and she was a very assertive woman. While injecting in one cheek, she slapped the other, and from then on I knew I wanted an F/m spanking relationship. Women show their affection for men by spanking them. But this is Israel, and nobody who grew up here was spanked. My wife is a sex therapist who considers spanking a behavior that needs to be corrected. For 20 years I stifled the desire, but now, at 68, my brother’s age when COVID 19 took him from us, I decided no more. I asked her for a birthday spanking and gave her a wooden spoon. She said no, that I can make my own arrangements. Paying for it will not be considered cheating. No sex. Until now, though, my adult spankings have been sexual in nature. How do I know what to ask for? I can’t really see the point of a disciplinary spanking from a woman who doesn’t know me.
Hi Evil Queen,
Maybe you’ve already touched on this and I missed it, or maybe not, but anyway, for the “Why?” of a F/M – FLR arrangement, couldn’t another benefit be “Help HER to reach HER goals”?
My loving woman and I both have a bad habit of enjoying eating and drinking more than we should at times. We both play the “bad influence” card as far as late-night snacking on rich foods, or “just one more glass” of wine or a nightcap. Unfortunately, this wrecks havoc with weight loss goals and being in beavh-body shape for that upcoming vacation.
I TRY not to be the bad influence – and when I am I write it on my “Naughty Boy List” for my girl to address weekly or so. But, I think I could be doing more to reach both of our goals by being a little stronger for her when she’s tempted by the little devil on her shoulder urging the opening of another bottle of wine or some rich snack or late-night dessert.
Since we both should be looking out for each other’s well-being, I’m think I need to be a little stronger and lovingly do my best to steer her away from that occasional diet-sabotaging behaviour. My failing to do all I can in that situation would be an item I should list for her to address when the sins are read off my list.
Does that make sense to you, and how might you suggest I do more to be a better supporting partner for her when she is the one listening to that naughty voice in her head?
Thanks for all of your articles BTW – I think they’re helping my girl to feel more comfortable giving me the “incentive” I need to be the best man I can be for her.
So if I understand your question correctly, you’re asking if spanking can help her reach HER goals. We personally think spanking can work F/m, M/f, F/f, M/m and so on. And we’ve heard from couples who apply the domestic discipline either way. But the first part of all this, is CONSENSUAL. Is she open to receiving a spanking for this transgressions? She might not be, and if that’s the case, then it shouldn’t be forced on her. (Not saying you would ;). But the way to figure that out and work through it, is communication. 🙂 Good luck!
Thanks for the reply WQ!
Wasn’t thinking so much M/F spanking (she’s more the spanker than spankee), rather that part of my duty to her is be a stronger partner by helping her reach her goals. NOT being that strong partner would be a failure on my part and a(nother) reason why -I- get the belt.
We’re pretty new at this – just a couple of weeks and half a dozen spankings – and she’s still overcoming that “I don’t want to hurt you” instinct. So frankly, I’m giving her opportunities to hone her skills until she feels comfortable “swinging for the fences” as you might put it.
On another note, I have a fairly major offense that I need to be punished for, and I’m holding off asking her to do the honors until she’s confident that she can deliver a spanking of the severity appropriate to that offense. Of course I’m dreading that spanking but know I deserve it, and hoping that having her deliver it will be a positive act for her and for us both to feel the skate has been wiped clean.
Oh I see. And yeah, you could certainly add that to your list. I’m sure you two could define certain things that you would need to do, to help her with her goals. We always feel that the right way to do DD and/or FLR is whatever works best for the couple. Cheers.
Regarding the not wanting to hurt you part, this is where regular reassurance comes into play and why spanking just before making love works well. Following a spanking, I make sure to embrace and kiss her, so as to get her used to the idea of hurting me by spanking me. Making love after the slate has been wiped clean (by means of a spanking) is definitely the ideal situation.
Regarding the appropriate severity thing, I suppose she can increase the strength in her arms and/or she can choose instruments that cause more pain. Lexan paddles and loopy Johnnies seem to work well for me! One of the things I found attractive in my wife was her arm strength, knowing how it could be put to good use!
Thanks for the input John.
Though I am into spankings as foreplay, we’re keeping spankings and sex separate – aside from an occasional playful smack here and there. So far though, the spankings I’m receiving have been fairly mild, but she IS getting over her natural aversion to causing pain. Though I suppose that there is always a bit of “this hurts me more than it hurts you” coming from someone delivering a punishment spanking – I tell her that I don’t want this to make HER feel bad or even feel like an added chore.
She tells me that she is getting more used to it, feeling less worried about “hurting me”, and even getting to enjoy it. I want her to feel empowered, confident, and in control.
As for the appropriately harsh spanking I have coming, she says “if that’s what you want, I’ll do it” – but I’m waiting until she’s more practiced and can deliver it without any guilt or remorse. It needs to be terrible for me – not for her. I need to pay for a transgression, and I’d like for her to feel as good as possible about delivering what I have coming.
She’s plenty strong and if she wanted she could easily dish out more than I could take. Even a waif of a girl could do some serious damage with a cane!
I am a single male 50’s and have been looking for this type of relaonship for some time and have not been able to find a woman with any interest at all. How does one go about finding a woman who who belives in this ?
Hey Darin, thanks for the comment. I’m actually working on an e-book that might help out in this regard. I just need to spend the time to finish it. I’m a little over half way there. We’ll post on here when it’s done. In the meantime, wishing you the best of luck in finding that special woman. I believe she’s out there! 🙂
I don’t know why it is that a woman’s standard response to an argument is to storm out of the house with no further communication. That all ends if a spanking relationship is in place. She just says in a loud clear voice, ” into the bedroom, pants down.” I know the argument is over and to ready myself for her belt or strap on my bare behind. I bend over the bed and usually put a pillow underneath so my rear sticks way up. When she enters and slides her belt off I am trembling and don’t have to wait for the spanking to begin. I am in heaven afterwards as she holds me tightly against her chest and keeps saying, “there there it’s over now,” My tears are flowing freely from the pain of that spanking but I truly feel wonderful.
Good Morning W. Queen, I too am one of those guys that needs his Wife’s help with discipline. I’m a pretty good guy, but I know I could also be better. I have e-mailed my wife this web address to read. I do understand what I am asking her to do. She doesn’t want to hurt me. This is not a fantasy, I’m for real. Without pain there is no gain, 10-4. Wish her luck and strength. It’s not an easy decision for Her. Thank You so much for taking the time to write out this course in D/D, truly. mickmack13
Hi mickmack13 and thanks for the comment and insight into your situation. At the end of this article there is a link to the follow up post, Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad. Which was written to address a common question many women had regarding hurting their husband, after reading this first article. If you haven’t read that one as well, I recommend doing so and perhaps sharing that with her as well. Last but not least, there is a blog post which covers a practical usage of this kind of element in a relationship. That one is called, “Breaking His Bad Habits“. I think that one can resonate with A LOT of women out there. Please remember that at the end of the day, it is all about communication, trust and love. I wish you both the very best and hope to hear from you again! 🙂
Thank you W. Queen.
I hope, if she is like my wife, once she tries it a few times when she is legitimately upset by your behavior or attitude and sees the different relationship dynamic, conflict resolution and change in behavior/attitude she will love it. Over the last couple years my wife has fully embraced being the disciplinarian and authority in the relationship. Every part of our marriage and relationship has improved a lot. She LOVES it now. She has said recently “this is forever, there is no going back”. The only down side for me is it hurts to sit down more often than it used to, but the benefits to our relationship and marriage far out weigh the spankings I receive. Also once my wife saw the benefits, her fear of hurting me went away real quick. Unfortunately the severity of the punishments increased a lot as well but it keeps me on my best behavior.
Hi ddanon! Always good to hear from you. Thanks for providing more insight and support to MM13. Great advice!
Thanks for the words of encouragement ddanon. I’m mentally up for the task. I know what I’m facing, one sore backside… I also Know I can be better, just need help getting started and finishing.
Wow this is exactly what I want in life, I wish I would have seen this 2 years ago because my then GF was pretty open minded and she accepted the fact that I wanted her to spank me., however she would only administer the fun to medium type and really my thought was, I wish I could get more but that she was already doing something for me that maybe was strange to her so I never asked for more,. To me a fun spanking is not really a spanking at all. I am a man that wants real accountability, real punishment a spanking event that is anything but fun, one that causes my behavior to really change and eventually come to dread bending over for her belt and to finally drop off and be use only occasionally when she feels it’s needed. Man to find a woman that would live like this how could I not live my life giving every effort at making her happy
Hi Ben and thank you for your comment and insight. While it might not be for everyone, it sure has be amazing for us, and many of our readers, including many converts. As I mentioned, it is the number one question we get asked. Joey has been working hard on an e-book to hopefully help those wanting this kind of element in their lives/relationship, actually find it. He is wrapping it up and I think it is at or over 14k words of his experience, wisdom, advice and tips on how to “find” a woman like me who will spank, or how to suggest or get your current wife or gf to spank for misdeeds or poor attitude. I’ll press him to try and wrap it up this week. In the meantime…good luck and we’re keeping our fingers crossed for you!
When I was a kid spankings hurt like hell, the ping pong paddle or the dreaded jokari paddle which was the worst always made me cry and scream. Now as an adult it takes a whole lot of real hard spanking to hurt, and even that’s not real bad. I could tutor women on the art of spanking; what stings, or thuds, how to know when to back off, or pour it on harder, things that might take a long time to learn but can be taught in just an hour or less.