I often am inspired to write on topics based on requests from our readers or the comments left on some of our blog posts. One reader recently suggested writing a piece about how a man can ask his wife or girlfriend to try a spanking relationship. So, after giving it some thought, figured I would just write to the ladies themselves. Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend has asked you to read this, I encourage you to do so with an open mind as I explain the many benefits of this type of relationship.
First off, I TOTALLY understand that the idea of spanking your husband or boyfriend might be a difficult concept to embrace. I too had never had any thought or intention of spanking my husband “for real” or having this sort of element in our relationship. Yet, here I am and we’ve never been happier! That’s not to say we weren’t happy before but we’ve transcended to new levels of happiness as is explained below.
Secondly, I’d like to point out that this isn’t the same thing as Femdom. Not that you couldn’t take it there if that’s what works for you as a couple (no judgement from me). But Femdom generally refers to the male being dominated by the a female (or dominatrix) in areas of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism) and usually are part of a sexual scene or fantasy. But that is not what we do. It also doesn’t mean that your husband or boyfriend is or should become emasculated or wimpy. My husband, for example, is an impressive and ominous looking gent. The type of guy that when we walk hand in hand at the mall, other guys think twice before giving me any sort of flirtatious look. He is a “man’s man” in pretty much every way. Rides dirt bikes, played sports, trained in jiu jitsu, used to box, still lifts weights, works on cars, etc. And I love that. I liken this to having an ominous, yet well trained pitbull walking along side of me. It’s kinda’ like that.
And most importantly, this isn’t about humiliating or being mean to your husband. In fact, there needs to be a good foundation or basis of a relationship with which to begin. If you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship this won’t (and shouldn’t) save that relationship. I am also not stating or implying in any way that adding spanking to your relationship can take the place of individual or couple’s counseling, if it is needed. But, if you have a foundation of love and respect (even if it has been tarnished in recent months or years), I encourage you to read through this as I truly believe in its ability to transform your marriage/relationship into achieving higher levels of trust, respect, intimacy, and love.
Benefits of a Spanking Relationship:
Little to No Tension – As I’ve probably stated within a variety of posts or pages on this site, this is a huge deal. We have very little tension between us because, after we agreed to this type of relationship (consensual) and set some ground rules (communication); there are very few things he does that really get me upset. Because over the years, when he’s done things to upset me (things he and I both agreed that should be kept in check), I just took him to the woodshed and gave him a good, hard and very real spanking for it. Not in a frenzy or out of control but very structured and very real. I can tell you from experience, that it only takes a time or two of getting a REAL spanking and they learn very quickly to not repeat the offense. As an example…I know women that have griped for YEARS about their man leaving the toilet seat up OR leaving his clothes on the floor instead of putting them into the hamper. Over time these seemingly small acts have grown into a huge contention point for them. I assure you that in our house, any and all bad habits like this have been addressed and he no longer does them. Ergo…no tension.
HIS Well Being – My husband has a type A personality and drives himself pretty hard in work and play. As is the case, sometimes I can tell that he is stressed and perhaps feeling the weight of the world (by his own standards) weighing heavily on him. Usually as I start to notice this, he also starts acting out in small ways with little bits of attitude, if not outright defiance. And I know that regardless of the reason, he needs that release of stress that re-calibrates his brain and his perspective. He’s mentioned to me many times that he feels “more balanced” or “calm” after a domestic discipline session. And not just immediately after the spanking, but for weeks afterwards. His attitude, stress level, and overall demeanor after a spanking are much improved. As his partner, I love being able to provide this for him. If your husband or boyfriend is asking you for this and you don’t provide it, you need to realize that he may seek out that element somewhere else. For some women, that might be OK but I prefer to be the one to do it for a variety of reasons. Besides, if he needs it, is asking for it, it is helpful to him, and you love him…wouldn’t you want to at least explore it? And as a nice aside, our relationship is better for it.
My Empowerment – Many women feel uncomfortable putting their foot down in a relationship. Society often dictates that women be compassionate and compliant. That we be communicative and agreeable with our partners. In very few areas of our lives can we rule with absolute power. After the initial “set up” of the parameters of the new arrangement, a woman can be empowered in ways she had never thought possible! There is no threat of being considered a bitch, a ball-buster, a nag, bitter, or even undesirable. Her strength and control is wanted and needed. It can actually be a healthy outlet for her personally.
Eager to Please – Not gonna lie…I do love his eagerness to please after I’ve taken him down a notch or two. Without being “wimpy” about it, he becomes a model citizen that is very eager to please. I usually see this in his very polite responses, attitude, and the fact that he’ll generally knock an item or two off of his usually very short honey-do list. Perhaps in his Type A mind, he can allow himself to be more submissive during this time, considering what he just went through. He likes to excel at anything he does so in this case he is excelling at being well-behaved.
Pampered – He’s always been a romantic type of man even going back to the days when we first started dating. But there is something else that happens when you’re in a spanking relationship. His adoration of you increases substantially. Not that he didn’t love you before. But, with this type of relationship, there has to be good communication throughout and a great deal of trust. This is a new level of intimacy that is hard to explain but certainly felt. And with this, comes his increased desire to pamper and please me.
Well-Behaved – Bottom line…post spanking, he is extremely well-behaved. Now for the record, I’d like to add that he was “brought up right” and is naturally a polite and well mannered man. But like I stated above, he can get assertive/aggressive from time to time and just needs to be “re-balanced” now and then. And after said re-balancing, his “well-behaved-ness” is almost tangible.
Help Him Achieve Goals – This is something that was HIS request and I find very admirable. I’m sure you would agree that we all have things we want or set out to do. Or goals we want to achieve, but for a variety of reasons, we don’t get them done. It could be anything really. For example: going to the gym “x” number of times per week, lose “x” number of pounds or whatever…he’ll create a goal for himself and instead of just having that goal and keeping track of it himself. He’ll tell me what the goal is and ask for repercussions if he doesn’t achieve it by whatever timeline he thinks he should. This added amount of accountability has really improved his success rate on achieving his goals. Why? Because there is a real consequence that happens if he doesn’t. Without this consequence, he (like most of us), would just push the date back another week or month to achieve that goal because there are no real repercussions.
Short Honey Do List – If you guys share a home, you know that there never seems to be a shortage of things to do around the house. From mowing the lawn, changing the filters to the AC, getting the car lube and oiled, bathing the dogs, replacing burnt out light bulbs, etc. It is a never ending list and continues to get things added to it. I’ve spoken to many of my girlfriends who have complained to varying degrees, that their husband’s “honey do” list just keeps growing and how he doesn’t seem to place a high priority on most if not all things on the list. I’m glad to report that due to reasons mentioned above, my husband’s “honey do” list is kept pretty short. And that is completely without me reminding, nagging, griping, bitching, etc. Now isn’t THAT a pleasing thought?
“What about the size and strength difference? How could I possibly spank him, even IF I wanted to?” Well…if you were asked to read this article, then he’s already ASKING you to. Meaning there is some level of commitment on HIS end to submit himself to a real domestic discipline session. But here’s where the rubber meets the road. Some men asking you to do this may be in total fantasy mode. Only THINKING they want a real spanking.
So men…if you’re asking your wife to read this and you think you want to be accountable by way of real corporal punishment…are you prepared to take a real punishment spanking from her? That is…one swat right after another with an implement like a doubled over belt, heavy wooden bath brush or cane? These implements HURT. But…that is what makes them an effective deterrent and behavior modifier. Make sure you know what you’re asking for. If you’re looking for “fun spankings“, that is a totally different conversation. But if you feel you can and want to submit to a real domestic discipline spanking and more importantly, can take a real punishment spanking, then communicate that with your wife and you two should test out a real spanking. Submitting to a real punishment is not an easy thing to do. Just ask my husband.
Back to the ladies…Most men want/need a powerful female partner in their relationship to hold them accountable. In fact, you’d be surprised at how many men would welcome the idea of being held accountable by way of a spanking. Perhaps you’re on your way.
Still not sure? Perhaps you’re thinking, “Should I even have to spank him? He’s an adult for goodness sake.”
Yes, he IS adult but as you’ve probably heard and experienced…men are just grown up little boys.
The main differences now, are that their responsibilities have increased, their toys have gotten more expensive and perhaps most importantly, the repercussions and punishments for their actions have lessened significantly if not disappeared altogether. This is why most men can be so ornery, bratty, arrogant and downright difficult at times. The plain fact of the matter is that men don’t always act like an adult. Convince me otherwise. At one point or another, men will throw a fit, tantrum, act entitled, selfish, arrogant or rude.
Many of these ornery or difficult episodes might beget a conversation (or argument), with the man refusing to take responsibility or admitting he was wrong. And what are the current repercussions for him in this scenario? Passive aggressive statements, nagging, ignoring him, withholding sex or affection? Certainly not healthy for ANY relationship. And what’s really crazy is that in many cases, the man has gotten so good at tuning you out, that he doesn’t really understand why you’re doing those negative things to him and will start to resent YOU for YOUR actions. So not only does it not get resolved, it continues to cause frustration and the resentment grows between the both of you.
At some point in time, the woman will do one of three things. 1) Try AGAIN to talk to him about it and her desire to curb the offending behavior. 2) Continue to tolerate it which will continue to breed resentment. OR 3) She’ll leave.
Of course there the other side of that coin too: 1) He will get tired of your “talks”, nagging and passive aggressive punishments. 2) He’ll continue to tolerate it which will continue to build his frustration and resentment OR 3) HE’LL leave.
In our situation, IF my husband breaks a rule or does something else deemed a transgression, the best course of action is to give that little boy in a man’s body, a good old fashion butt blistering. Aside from the pain from the spanking being an effective deterrent, this also works well because men respond to STRENGTH. It is hardwired in them. Men, unlike women, don’t usually learn or respond well to a lesson unless they FEEL the repercussions. Remember, it was a man that coined the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” Which translate to, “I have to feel some pain, in order to improve my performance or situation.”
OK, I’m in…What’s next?
It all starts with good communication. Sit down together and ask him to come up with rules or things he thinks might be a good reason to get punished for. Paying a bill late. Forgetting to take out the trash. Forgetting to call when he’s going to be late. Ask him to be honest. Ask him if there are any behavior modifications that he’d like some accountability for. Like losing 5 lbs or drinking less or gambling less. Whatever makes sense in your relationship.
Then, together come up with rules around what a spanking, a REAL spanking looks like to you. Describe that a real spanking means he can’t opt out of it. He has to be man enough to take what is being dished out. That’s what a real spanking is. The thought will assuredly scare him and perhaps even excite him at the same time. Remind him that if he is unable to take a real spanking, then it is just a fantasy to him and not a real punishment.
Tell him that in order for it to be an effective behavior modification tool, it needs to be fairly harsh. Ask him if that is what he is signing up for. Not beginning with a less intense implement like your hand or light sandal. Something a bit more severe, like a belt or paddle.
You may consider using a safeword but let’s be honest, in a real spanking, there shouldn’t be any safewords. This is where trust & responsibility intersect:
Having said that, perhaps you start with a defined number. Let’s say 10 or 20 swats with a paddle for a particular offense. That spanking should be given on the bare butt, no warm up, no rubbing his butt in between swats or long lengths of time in between swats. Question for the man, “Can you stay in position for this kind of spanking? Is this level of accountability what you’re ready to accept?”
The good news ladies…IF your husband is ready, agrees to this and CAN take the punishment, you’ll see that these real punishment sessions WILL bring forth the very changes in attitude and behavior that you’ve been trying to achieve using other, less effective, more harmful ways, that are also damaging to the relationship.
A good hard spanking, something that he opted into (consensual) but still very real; IS going to make an impression on him. Not just his backside but his psyche. Not only will he feel regret for the transgression that he was getting spanked for, he’ll appreciate you and recognize your newfound power. And he’ll become eager to correct his behavior and please you.
It is important to remember that at the end of the spanking, I firmly believe that you should hold him or give him some affection. I know after I’ve given my husband a severe whuppin’, I WANT to hold him afterwards. I want to let him know that I still love him and that the spanking is over.
The reason or transgression for the spanking happened and is in the past. The real spanking addressed that transgression and once the spanking is over, the punishment is over. There are no grudges held, no silent treatment given, no passive aggressive bullshit. He earned a punishment and you gave it to him. It is now time to express your love for him. He. Will. ADORE you for this.
After I give my husband a hard spanking, I always tell him to come to me. He’ll usually walk over to me with his head down and then kneel in front of me and hold me around my waist and apologizes for his actions very sincerely, as I lovingly caress his hair. It is a very intimate moment between us.
Not to mention, that when you are giving him a honest to goodness butt whuppin’, if you did have any tensions and frustrations with him, they too are getting released during the act of the spanking. But again, it is imperative that you not be out of control. A real spanking is one that is hard, but always in control.
And in the future, instead of not feeling like you’re being heard or that you are powerless…You’ll find it’s quite the contrary. His selective listening will significantly diminish and you will be heard loud and clear. You’ll feel a power surge within you, like one you’ve probably not felt before. Just at the notion that you can take him to the woodshed and tan his backside for any misdeed. And your husband, who has accepted this approach and been pushed to his limits and beyond, will see you in a more powerful light and love and respect that power.
There is no resentment as there would be with the silent treatment or other toxic passive aggressive methods. No, he wanted and agreed to be held accountable in this way. And trust me, the pain from the domestic discipline session will start to cultivate him into a better person. BTW, the last part of that last sentence, was a quote from my husband who has been living with the accountability of real corporal punishment for years now. He has told me several times that he appreciates me taking the time and effort to correct him in this way.
Real domestic discipline allows a man to throw off the mantle of expectation and release control to his partner in these situations. And just as importantly, it allows his partner to feel empowered in a way that doesn’t take anything away from his masculinity. Because that power was given by choice (consensual).
We’ve all heard the saying, “Behind every great man…is a great woman.” Well, maybe she was behind him with a belt!
UPDATE: Please check out my follow up post to this: Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad.