Hello again! Wow, two posts in two days! As some of you may have seen, Joey created a free online spanking calculator on our site a while back. It was based off of a spanking calculator he had created for me (for him), on Excel a long time ago. The problem with the online spanking calculator though is that it doesn’t work on the Chrome browser as Chrome will not reload the elements of the page (upon refresh), that make the calculator work (i.e. randomly change implements and number of swats).
It WILL work on these browsers: Brave, Firefox & Microsoft Edge. I haven’t tested it on Safari or any other browser. Unfortunately Chrome has the biggest market share of all browsers, at 77%. So in other words, the free online spanking calculator won’t work for most people.:(
SO…I asked Joey to update the original spanking calculator (the one in Excel), but to make it as easy as possible for someone to use. Like the Accountability Task Sheet, it runs on Excel, but he did make it very easy to customize and use. Here’s a screenshot.
And here’s how it works:
There are three sections/parts of the spanking: Attention Getting – Butt Blistering – Exclamation Point
Attention Getting – Implements in this category should be used in “one after another” succession to bring the offender to tears quickly, so the “real” spanking can begin. I put in spanking implement in here that are real STING-Y, as they can get those tears a going.
Butt Blistering – Review transgressions during the spanking with these implements. These implements are good for providing a long lasting effect.
Exclamation Point – These implements were picked for their severity or “mean-ness” and will provide for a perfect exclamation point to the end of the spanking.
Note: The three sections and descriptions above were based on what we do. But you can totally customize the description if you want, and more importantly, you can customize the implements for each section, as well as the range of random swats per section which will be explained below.
Under each of the three sections listed above, are 10 slots where you can put in whatever implement you have or want to use. If you want, you can put 10 different implements and when you click on “CALCULATE SPANKING”, it will select one of those 10 in that section. Note: as it is an “active” document, every time you make a change on the spreadsheet (like adding a new implement), the calculator will “calculate” when you hit “Enter” on your keyboard. This is normal.
Once you have YOUR implements in each section, then you’ll just need to open the calculator, and either use the implement and swat numbers on the screen, OR Click on the “CALCULATE SPANKING” button, to generate a new set of random implements and swat counts.
A fun twist on this, that I’ve done before, is giving Joey a choice. Do you want to accept this fate or see what’s behind door number two? Meaning that he can click it again, but then he HAS to take the next set of implements and swat counts. Could be better, could be worse. 😉
As you can see in this preloaded list in this first section, I have input: Black & Denim Sandal (heel), into 3 of the 10 slots. Wooden Bath Brush, into 2 of the 10 slots, Orange Paddle, into 2 of the 10 slots, RL (Ralph Lauren) T-Strap Sandal (regular), into the 3 of the 10 slots. So…3+2+2+3=10. So, in this particular section there are only 4 different implements. The reason for this is that most people won’t likely have 10 different spanking implements for EACH section. That would be 30 different spanking implements in total. But I know some of you do! 😉
So, if you wanted, you could put only one implement in all 10 slots, and the calculator would randomly select one of the 10 slots, BUT…it would obviously been the same implement. But the number of swats would be random. You may want that for this first section, or you may want to only have it select between 2 implements. In which case you’d input 5 slots with implement A, and 5 slots with implement B. And the calculator will randomly select one of the 10 slots, but in essence, it will have an equal chance (50%), of picking between the two implements.
The key here is that you can customize each section in pretty much any way you want.
Here’s another idea, you can also add “ESCAPE” or “OFF THE HOOK” or whatever word you want to use, to indicate that if the spanking calculator randomly selects that slot, the spankee has escaped or is off the hook for whatever number of swats were randomly generated for that section. This works especially well for the “Exclamation Point” section, as that is the last part of the spanking. So if you’re feeling “nice”, you can drop in an “ESCAPE” in one of the slots, and the spankee will have a 10% chance of not getting the “Exclamation Point” swats/lashes. If you did 2 slots, then they’d have a 20% chance and so on.
SWAT COUNT INPUT AREA
Here’s where you define the number of swats/lashes range for each each section.
As you can see, for the “Attention Getting” section, I have chosen for the calculator to randomly pick between 15 and 30 swats. Ha! Joey WISHES. I haven’t used this calculator to dictate a spanking for him in a while, but I am going to bump that up to 30 to 60!
For the “Butt Blistering” section – between 30 and 40 swats.
And for the “Exclamation Point” section – between 10 to 15 swats/lashes.
Again, we recommend that you create something that makes sense for YOU. You can always change it later as your desires change.
So as you can see, by customizing the implements and numbers of swats, you can create something from “fun spankings” to harsh domestic discipline spankings.
We’ve had a few readers, reach out to us asking about when they could buy this. And Joey was supposed to have it up a couple of weeks ago, but it apparently slipped his mind. So when I got an email from another reader at the beginning of this week. I went right into Joey’s office with my belt in my hand, and asked him about it. After stammering on for a few seconds, I said, “Just bend over.” And I proceeded to reminded him of the importance of doing what his Queen asks him to do. He was quite receptive and boom, just like magic, he finished it, tested it and it is now available to who ever wants it. Hope you have as much fun as I’ve had with it over the years. As I said, it has been a while since I used it to determine a spanking for him, but I am going to update it to my new “specifications” and it will be the source of a new spanking in the not too distant future.
At any rate, if you’re interested, here you go! Customizable Spanking Calculator.
Looks very interesting. Are you opening it to the Canadian Market?? Tried to download it yesterday, but .. couldn’t. Hurt almost as much as a spanking!
Hi Fawsie and thanks for trying to get it. We’ve sold our videos to people in Canada. So it should work. Did you add it to the cart, and then start down the checkout process? Let me know and we’ll do our best to help you receive it. 🙂
So.. I have 2 items in my cart.. the accountability excel sheet and the Spanking calc.. but I cannot “change my region”. It wont allow for Canada as there is no drop down menu as part of the order process. So, when I put in my address, it defaults to Montana?? Weird!
Hi again! I just sent you an email regarding this as well. 🙂 If you can, try to check out using the browser Chrome. When using Chrome, it should should have another option just using a credit card, that shouldn’t try to force any region. Let me know. We’ll get it figured out one way or another! 😉
Thanks again for the additional insight you sent us via email. That was key in finding and correcting the issue. Thanks to you we got it worked out for you and for our other Canadian readers! 🙂
If there are any Nor-Cal women who only have one impliment, I could help you improve that.
Dear Wicked Queen, you make many of us jealous.
I purchased the spanking calculator and downloaded the excel spreadsheet but it is password protected and cannot open it.
Hi Socal63 – I responded to your messages through a couple of emails, but wanted to respond on here as well to make sure you saw it. First off…Apologies from both Joey and I for the delay in response (we were mostly unplugged during these last few days), and for the password issue. Joey included the password on the Spanking Calculator product page. The case sensitive password it: Queen
I TOLD him people would likely not see it in the verbiage and we’ve had several who have not…so I get to play a game of “I told you so”, with Joey later today. Using my belt! 😉
Good morning Wicked Queen: I haven’t seen that you use a cane in punishing Joey. My wife, with encouragement from her mother purchased a rattan cane and has announced that I will receive my first punishment caning this weekend. Between them they have decided that 24 strokes will be appropriate for my bad attitude recently. I really don’t know how bad this will be; I’ve been spanked before with a hairbrush and a few times with a strap, which really hurt. Will the cane be worse than the strap?
Thank you for your time in listening to my situation.
Good morning John. I have a few canes that I have used on Joey. But I usually reserve those for more harsh punishments, OR when there is a need for a quiet implement. Not going to sugar coat this for you, but based on what Joey has told me, and more importantly, his reactions…the cane is significantly worse than the strap. That said, it depends on the size and weight of the cane, and how are the spanker is swinging it. I prefer 3/8″ in diameter and if using one of my rattan canes, I will have Joey soak it in water for a day and a half prior to spanking him with it. It brings tears quite quickly, to a man that otherwise has a fairly high pain tolerance. Good luck to you.
Good afternoon, Wicked Queen: Your reply to my question about what to expect at my first caning was right on the target. It was the worst punishment i’ve ever received. I was in tears after the fifth stroke. I was to receive 24 strokes, but my wife stopped at 16, she felt that 24 would be too much, she was right. Her mother who was invited to watch, argued that i should get the full; 24, but my wife said that i would get the balance another day. I’m not looking forward to getting the rest, I can assure you that I will watch my attitude from now on. Thanks
Ah the wonderful effectiveness of the cane, STRIKES again! 😉
Very good article, thank you both very much.
I have used Joey’s calculator I think, but only to fantasies about, as I can’t brake so now. But I will give it another try sometime.