Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad?

woman hugging her husbandGiven some recent comments from our readers, I felt it necessary to do a follow up to my post earlier this year, Why Women Should Consider A F/M Spanking Relationship. We received a really good response to that post. Some from men and some from women who wanted to explore or add this element to their existing relationship. But what we’ve heard from both men and women is that, as they are spanking their men, a sense of reservation comes over the women as they don’t want to “hurt” their husbands.

This makes so much sense because women, by nature, are typically nurturing human beings and so spanking (for real) your husband to the point of pain, is in direct conflict with our nurturing tendencies. But it is possible. We have a female reader (and spanker), who wrote in the comments on one of our blog posts, something to the effect of, “If her husband fell off a ladder and hurt himself, she would be the first there to help him, comfort him, and make it better. But, she continued to share that when her husband has been bad, and his bare butt is bent over ready to accept a well deserved spanking, she has no problem meting out an appropriate punishment.

Taking off her beltSo how did she, I, and many other women get to where we’re able to do that? That’s a good question and the answer probably varies among women in this lifestyle. For some women with assertive or aggressive personalities, the transition might be easier than someone who is more soft spoken and perhaps more timid. I was in that latter group and the transition for me took a little self exploration and digging. Ultimately though, it was through communication with my husband that got me to where I am now. Add to that, we had been involved in some form of spankings for over 10 years prior and so spanking him was not a foreign or even unusual concept, but getting myself to give him more harsh punishments was another step that didn’t come as naturally. The key communication point was that HE was asking me for this.

When I gave him his first “real” domestic discipline spanking, it was with my belt but I was intent on giving him exactly what he wanted. I was calm, cool but stern as I laid the hardest belting I had ever given him. I was also somewhat curious as to if this was what he REALLY wanted or if he would back away from the fire during or post spanking. I remember feeling bad while spanking him this way but kept reminding myself that this is want he asked for and wanted to explore. Again, extensive and great communication, before and afterwards, helped me understand and feel a little better about spanking him this way. Still, for many subsequent spankings that happened, if I spanked him and could hear him cry out in pain and see him hurting, I would back off and end the spanking soon thereafter. But again, we would talk about it afterwards and I realized that he was fully committed to being held accountable in this way. He was very honest and told me that I probably could’ve/should’ve kept spanking to really teach him a lesson. A big part of this too is the spankee’s ability or capacity to take pain. As I’ve mentioned, Joey and I are long time spankers and he’s very familiar with the sting of the belt, paddle, cane, etc. He has a high pain tolerance but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. However, everyone is different. For example, if I gave Joey 10 hard swats with my doubled over belt he would grunt in pain from those lashes. But, if I gave someone who’d never been spanked before the same level of lashes, they would likely be in tears before the tenth swat landed. THIS IS KEY. When we retell our instances of Joey getting taken to the woodshed, it is important to note that what I give him and what he takes is probably not what most should get, especially if you’re just starting down this road. The point is to teach your man a lesson. For some, a 10 or 20 swat belting or paddling could very much teach a lesson and have the desired behavioral modifying effect on him for weeks to come, or perhaps longer. Again, communication is key. And men…you have to be honest. Honest with your wives and with yourselves. Are you really looking for this type of accountability? And if you are (or think you are), then are you being honest with your feedback to your wife post spanking?

One of the main points that I’m trying to make is that a real domestic discipline spanking doesn’t have to be an excruciating event for your husband. But it should be painful enough to curb his behavior. What a real spanking SHOULDN’T be, is erotic or fun. Not that we’re opposed to that. Fun spankings are how we got started down this road many moons ago! But if you’re talking about a domestic discipline spanking, then that is a different ballgame. Hell, it’s a different sport. But, if that is what is desired, then start slow and talk about it afterwards. By doing so:

  1. You’ll get more and more comfortable with the act of spanking.
  2. You’ll find out the level of spanking needed to be effective for your husband.

Again, this is where the husbands have to be honest with you. If your husband tells you that the 10 swat spanking was MORE than enough to teach him a lesson, but then the next day or two (or three), he’s repeating offenses or giving attitude, then you know that it wasn’t. And that begets a conversation with your man of whether or not he is REALLY wanting to do this or if it is just a fantasy for him. Which, again, is not a bad thing. But if that’s what he wants, then he shouldn’t confuse the issue and ask his wife to be held accountable by way of “real” domestic discipline spankings.

And men, I understand it is not easy to accept this level of spanking…In fact, I’m going to ask Joey to chime in on this a bit:

woodshed with strapHey all, so yeah…I LOVE the DD lifestyle that my wife and I practice now and I LOVE that she holds me accountable in this way. However, that doesn’t mean that I LOVE getting taken to the woodshed or any real spanking for that matter. I really don’t. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…There is nothing fun about a real spanking. It is painful from the beginning and the accumulation of swats (one right after the other), breaks me down relatively quickly. Self preservation kicks in and I want the spanking to stop shortly after it starts. It takes some mental discipline to stay in position and take what I have coming. And to be honest, it’s a struggle.

But then after the punishment spanking is over, there is no friction between us. Quite the opposite. I earned a good spanking and got it. And perhaps she EARNED the right to give it to me? And when the punishment is over, there is no tension, silent treatment, passive aggressive statements, (a lot of this was mentioned in my wife’s initial post referenced above). The spanking is over and her nurturing side kicks in and we have a very intimate moment: her holding me after a spanking and usually caressing my hair. I feel worn out, but I also feel balanced and calm.

Again, remember that ~I~ was the one that approached HER for this. I asked for this, perhaps like your man is now asking you? I know I have very aggressive tendencies and can be a handful from time to time. So to have a powerful, loving woman who can and will keep me in check when that happens is quite refreshing, perhaps cathartic for us both. Like my Queen said above, communication before and after the spanking is so important towards dialing in or evolving into what ultimately works for you guys.

One last thing I’d like to add is that this “thing of ours” as we like to call it, is totally done off radar so to speak. Meaning no one knows about it. We’re pretty much a “vanilla” couple in most things and we have a very “normal” lifestyle otherwise. It is just real consequences for my arrogance, bad behavior, or other transgressions. You can really define it to be whatever works for the couple. But for us, it is as simple as that. And I will say that as a result of this, I feel such a closeness to my wife that I’ve never felt with anyone before. It is an exercise in trust, humility, love and affection. And with that…I’m out! 🙂

Thank you, my love. Very good points indeed. I will add in closing that the benefits of going down this road, are SO worth it IMHO. If your man is ASKING you to explore/do this and you start doing so with the good communication it deserves, and in a safe, sane, and consensual manner; I fully believe that you BOTH will be so glad you did and that you BOTH will achieve new levels of love and intimacy.

Besides…there has to have been some point in your relationship where you’ve wanted to “throttle” your husband. Am I right? 😉

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Caged Lion

Congratulations on this post! We have exactly the same history. The first time my wife spanked me, I could hardly feel it. She was tapping so lightly I didn’t realize she thought she was spanking me. By the time we started DD, she was able to do much better, but felt terrible about hurting me. We talk about what is happening and now she is able to make it really hurt without feeling badly. She says she doesn’t enjoy it, but doesn’t dislike spanking me either. It’s a chore she performs for my good.


Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad?
Lets turn the tables.
In one way or other from a young age on, spanking intriged you.
There are quite some possibilities how you got fascinated by spanking: reading, films, watching it in real.
And of course you fantasize about it.
One day you think you just met the girl of your dreams.
If you are a very rational type, you could very soon after you met, talk with her about your spanking
feelings. And when her reaction is : ‘Abolutely not interested! Weird! No Way’, then you don’t continue the relation knowing the two of you are not really a good match.
But I think in many cases you don’t talk about those feelings directly. You really are in love with her and don’t
want to ruin it because you fear you will shock her with that information.
Ok you are a couple after a while, and after some time that spanking fantasy which is still somewhere in your mind starts itching.
And one day, you are facing the dilemma : you want to inform her about your feelings.
Not telling means you will be tortured maybe for the rest of your life with that unsatisfied itch.
Or maybe when that itching really gets too much for you go to a professional disciplinarian. Hopefully you have a good job
and enough resources to do that and hopefully she won’t find out.
Telling on the other hand means there is a possibility she will give it a try, but there is also a chance she finds it abjective.
One good response from you could be :’So you find, what I have been craving about for so many years and is therefore such a part of the person who I am, abjective?
well if that is the case, you are in a way telling me you find me abjective!’
She knows now for sure, that you are serious about it.
Ok, back to the initial question : ‘Can You Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad?’
Well what about : ‘Can You Refuse to Spank Your Husband Without Feeling Bad?’, knowing now what he is going through.


Hi Appiem, Thanks for your comment and this very thoughtful perspective.


My wife and I are just beginning to explore a FLR amd looking forward for any tips etc on how to make her see how it’s what I need

Gary McKee

Your blog is a wellspring of insight and inspiration to me, TWQ. I’m one of those guys that needs and desires a good deal of discipline. It has been a great blessing to my marriage over the years. I was put on notice by my lady long ago (before we got engaged) that I could expect to be turned over her knee and have my pants taken down for an old-fashioned spanking with a hairbrush whenever I got out of line with her. It has worked wonders in modifying my behavior and improving my attitude. I recommend this practice to all consenting adult couples!

Many thanks for your continuing leadership in support of the lifestyle.

Gary McKee


I fully agree with this idea. First I think that punishment should be given only for severe infractions and then it must be applied severely. The correction of the cane must be thought of as a loving act. Yes, he will be howling and reacting and even possibly screaming as the cane marks his ass time and time again but it is necessary and needed to make him a better person. And he will be in pain for several days afterward as a reminder that he has made a mistake and as good warning what will happen again if he repeats his error in the future.


Dear Diane
I just love your comment: “The correction of the cane must be thought of as a loving act.” From my feeling it could not be expressed more aptly. I just wonder what you might consider a “severe infraction” as I also was contemplating that very point time and again years ago, and I finally gave up. “Minor” infractions like leaving beard-stubbles in the sink after shaving may become an annoyance when it happens regularly. For that reasons I have adopted an attitude of considering any infraction severe as it means that Stef has trespassed the lines that I have set, and this I consider an insult. And insulting a lady I decided to consider a severe infraction. So its “fetch the cane and pants down” again. I wonder how other ladies feel about this.


Thank you for sharing! I sent your site to my Wife. It is one of the few , if not only one that deals with real spankings in a FLR . We are already doing more of a “play “ type of spanking fun, that leads to sex. Don’t get me wrong, she spanks hard, but after a warm up, and lots of caressing in between. She doesn’t quite understand why I want to be punished. Your site with it’s honest straight forward discussion will be a big help!

Dan Show

Well his good luck may turn out to be bad luck for his bottom #becarefullwhat you wish for lol


We “crossed the line” seven years ago when I admitted to my wife that the punishments she administered had the desired physical effect but psychologically it did not trigger ” remorse or regret” on my part for my wrong doings. We both agreed to look for a solution. Six weeks later we visited a lifestyle disciplinarian ( not a dominatrix). I stood in the hallway as my wife chatted and at times giggled over a cup of tea , then it was time ! Without going into detail I was taken to a room, questioned, restrained and thrashed with a tawse and paddle before my wife joined us. I unashamedly pleaded with her to end it , she stroked my hair , asked me if I was truly sorry , wouldn’t make her put me through this again etc all of which I agreed to, she then said she needed me to do something for her , my reply obviously was ‘anything’ . I can still hear her words as she cradled my head ” A final 12 of the cane please 6 for him and 6 for me”. After it was over we hugged and cried like never before , I was remorseful both for the physical punishment I had received but more importantly for the stress and conflict I had caused her. She still punishes and we talk about ‘that day’ and how it cemented our relationship. I hope my behaviour never warrants a repeat.


Hi Ken and thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m a little unclear, for the final 12 of the cane, did your wife actually get 6 from the disciplinarian? Or we’re all 12 lashes given to you? 6 from the disciplinarian and 6 from your wife? Regardless, sounds like it made quite the impression!


Thank-you for your comments , I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear, all 12 were delivered by the disciplinarian. As we later discussed it was after the first 6 when my wife asked me if I had had enough and wanted to stop, that I fully handed control to her, as I told her whatever she decided was best for me, she smiled and said ” I’ve known that for years, continue! “


It’s all good Ken and thanks for the clarification. And I love that response she gave. So perfect! 🙂


I always enjoy reading your Blog! It truly puts the Domestic Discipline asspect into reality!
Many men and women coming into this should read your blog and also other web sites that are true and to the point!
If you have never had a real spanking you need to step back and truly test the waters!
Fantasy/Reality is Two completely different roads but to commit and submit to someone you love like you explain here helps those wanting to learn and make it a part of their Marrige!


So I have never had a spanking even as a kid, What would you recommend on how to test the waters. Is there a way to test it out so I know that I can take it however hard my wife would dish it out. I believe that if she agrees to this that the tendency will be for her to go too soft on me. I need to be strong enough to be honest with her and let her know that she needs to go longer and harder.


My wife has started spanking me, which I appreciate. She uses a riding crop and a razor strap. They both hurt for sure, and she can hit pretty hard with them. The problem is she always stops after at the most 12, because she doesn’t want to bruise me too badly, or cause too much damage. While the spanking hurts, it is not severe/long enough to really be effective. I am afraid to bring this up, as she is willing to do it in the first place…it just needs to be much longer and I’m not sure how to communicate this with my wife…I know she does not enjoy spanking me, but I wish she would just let go so to speak and really let me have it…


Very good advice. I did communicate this to my wife, and she did go a bit longer this time. Not quite there, but much closer to what I need. The idea behind this is to help make me a better person/husband and she wants to help me with that, so we are getting there.


Dear WQ and Joey

Happy New Year and best wishes for more adventures this year. I’d like to add to your “Can you spank your husband without feeling bad”. Newbies to the DD way of life have possibly already realized that spanking your man raises incredibly intense emotional feelings. Not wanting to hurt the most precious person in your life is possibly the greatest hurdle to overcome but beyond that there are a myriad of other deep emotions that catch you unaware and can sometimes cause distress to either giver or receiver. As you have said many times, open communication is critical. Early in our DD journey we made certain mistakes that caused emotional pain – not the good type. One day I opened the mail to find a note from our insurance company saying that our premium had increased due to an accident. I asked my husband about it and he admitted to a stupid act of temper. A car had parked to close to him and he smashed his door intentionally into the “thoughtless” driver’s car. Someone was watching, left his registration and the insurance company investigated. Whilst I agreed that thoughtless drivers are annoying, I told him his temper had earned him a serious caning. I ordered him to go upstairs, strip and wait for me. I joined him and smiled inwardly at how vulnerable and nervous he appeared. I ordered him to place three pillows on the bed and lie over them. Then taking my favorite cane I began with reasonably mild strokes but even these made him clench and squirm. I hit harder and his squealing and writhing began in earnest. The thought that it was too much for him almost made me lighten up but we had discussed this and I was determined that he should learn a lesson. I continued caning harder and harder and his writhing was a joy to watch. Then a strange change occurred, his screams changed to a soft moaning and instead of writhing he began pushing his bottom up to invite the next cane stroke. I tried hitting even harder but with no wild reactions. Eventually his bottom was getting too badly messed up for me to continue so I told him his punishment was over. I hugged and kissed him, tended to his wounds, rubbed Aloe Vera into the welts and ruffled his hair. I told him that he should have learned from the beating and that I expect that he would like to join me for a drink. When he came downstairs, he looked calm, contented. As we enjoyed our drink, I debriefed with Tim. I told him how emotionally and sexually excited I had been the harder I caned him. I asked him what had happened about halfway through the punishment when he had stopped struggling and screaming and I was surprised when he admitted that although the initial strokes had been excruciating, he reached a level where he was almost unaware of the pain and actually did not want the caning to stop. I guess he had experienced “subspace” an emotional reaction that we only found out about later. I was now challenged to understand how I could successfully punish him if no matter how hard I caned he just wanted more. Fast forward six weeks and while out together he challenged a driver who was trying to cut in our lane almost causing an accident. It scared me and although I warned him, he continued taunting the other driver. I was determined to really punish him. When we arrived home, I ordered him to strip and face the wall. After 30 minutes I instructed him to bend over the back of the couch with his legs wide apart. I took a strap whacked it hard across his butt and then started slapping the inside of his thighs with hard deliberate strokes. He was quickly writhing and yelling. With no sympathy I continued whipping his sensitive skin and completely ignored his screams and begging for mercy. I continued until he was sobbing and then laid on another ten strokes to each inside leg. As I inspected him, I was surprised at how much damage I had caused. His inside thighs were incredibly bruised and swollen. I suddenly felt immense compassion for him but a new emotion scared me. Was I becoming abusive? Without a word I turned and went up to bed. Tim failed to follow me and I was worried about him. After about an hour he shuffled into the bedroom looking very distressed with his eyes downcast. I asked him if he was OK but he just stood with his eyes downcast and tears rolling down his cheeks. I asked him if I had gone too far but he answered “No its not that, I deserved it but when you left with no hug or forgiveness, I felt overwhelmed”. He said that he felt our discipline way of life was based on a dynamic of love, trust, close contact and intimacy. When I had simply walked away and left him, he had felt desolate and thought that I had lost all respect for him. Apparently, he had been standing down there desperately concerned that he no longer mattered to me. I took him in my arms and let him know that he was the most important person in my life and I could/would never disrespect him. The incident brought home how incredibly emotional this discipline life style can be and how the whole process has to be carefully handled. Since that day I have always made sure that after I have whipped him, I praise him for taking his punishment and tell him he is forgiven.     

Dan Show

Thank you Tina your situation is what my wife thought she likes me to much. Her discipline spankings have gotten harder but not to the point where I dread another one. They do hurt but after 15 minutes I forget them . I have thought of telling her but I chicken out . I guess the fear of be careful what you wish for .


Thanks WQ. Starting hard with a punishment is certainly how I now cane Tim if he has earned it. Although I’m compassionate, I have overcome the concern of hurting my incredibly precious man and if rules are broken, I will not take it lightly so he gets a good beating. However, this raises issues that may be useful for newbies reading your blog. First when my man is being punished, I am the one who decides when he has had enough. This is where trust comes into our consensual relationship and he has no authority to argue. Even so I never want Tim to feel brutalized even during the most severe punishment spanking – especially after the experience described in my last post – so I will always exercise compassion and care and assure him that he can trust me to hold him accountable and will administer the punishment that I think is appropriate. He has no say in the duration, implement or severity. We are so in tune with each other that I know through body language when the spanking should be over. This is important since we have realized that at certain times Tim, who can normally suffer and accept a really intense whipping, is now incapable of accepting even a light spanking. This may be due to his mind being elsewhere as he works through some issues or emotions beyond the immediate situation. When his body shakes and he moves about violently from the first stroke I know something is not right and I back off or stop completely and we discuss what’s wrong. As the administrator of his punishment, I fully realize that I have a responsibility for his safety both physically and emotionally but I also understand that he “needs” to be taken to his limits and sometimes just above to ensure that the expected dynamics are maintained. I love my man, love our life and love bending him over for a thrashing.  


Thanks WQ. I so agree with you our journeys appear very similar and it’s fun to think that there is at least one couple out there who have a great loving relationship similar to ours. I also agree that every couple should develop their own form of relationship with the level of spanking agreed between them. Safety of our men should always be respected otherwise the relationship becomes abusive. Don’t think either of us want to advocate that. Thanks again for providing a forum for serious and honest exchange of views about DD rather than just titillating. You go girl.


Love your site. Me and my wife have been in a very similar relationship dynamic as yours for a few years. She has become very comfortable in administering beltings or canings when she is upset with my behavior or attitude. There seems to be very few real people or resources online for this kind of relationship.


My wife carries a hairbrush in her hand bag when we go shopping (which i hate), so I sometimes disappear into the Mall bar! She was livid & said,“I needed you to help pick out a sofa & you pull your disappearing act??? I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again”! She then took me to the family rest room, sat down on the toilet & made a circular motion with her index finger which meant for me to drop my pants & under wear and get across her lap! She swatted my bottom fiercely 40 times! Afterwards while i was crying in pain, she casually put on make up & lipstick and smiled as she brushed her hair with the brush that made my bottom throb so much, it felt like it was on fire ! Disgraziato !


This made me laugh out loud as I was notorious for “getting lost” when we go shopping. While my Queen has never spanked me at the store, she has given me quite the spanking when we got home and now…I don’t do that any more. Funny how that works. When I get bored and want to go off on my own, I will let her know and make sure my phone volume is up, in case she is trying to find me. Love the visual of her brushing her hair with the same brush she spanked you with as you were “gathering yourself”. Women like that are gems!


My reason for wanting to be spanked (paddled hard) is not for punishment, although I suspect it could be in some role play situation as long as the goal defined below is met.
My wife has finally begun to spank me. After making 20-30 finely sanded paddles of many shapes, sizes and thicknesses, leaving them in drawers and other sometimes very obvious places she finally decided to give it a try. Very soft at first, but gradually increasing and seeing no objection of painful responses, she even suggested it recently (almost too good to be true) but we proceeded to sex without it.
You see my primary reason for wanting it is because it is a sexual exciter. Even thinking about it can get me pretty wildly turned on. Now, after all this time finally realizing it, this may go to a much harder level.
Just think how nice it would be to be thinking about sex and realize the pleasure could be greatly amplified just by turning a switch, that switch being a nice hard over the knee spanking, then reaping the benefit of creating huge sexy boost any time she wants it.
So, there is progress being made but a long way to go for the full realization of this potential which was at her fingertips all the time.
Now to supercharge it she could lock me in with leg scissors and do a real good long one, and then she would have me as her personal love toy.


Glad to hear your wife is getting more comfortable with spanking you. That’s how my wife and I started. It was ONLY a precursor to sex and man, what it did for our sex life was amazing. While we’ve evolved into DD spankings, there are many times where my backside is still sore to the touch and when my wife grabs it during sex, it is quite a wonderful thing. There is also something very intimate and sexy about submitting to your wife for a real spanking. Also, at any point in the day, just thinking about the power she has and the pain she can bring at any time, is quite intoxicating. 🙂 Thanks for your comment man! Hope to hear from you again.


After blistering my bottom with the dreaded wooden long handled Bath Brush I’m blubbering in tears standing with my nose firmly planted in the corner. Ignoring my crying she pours herself a glass of cold Pino Grigio ! Then she says “I’m perspiring
. I’m going shower” She plays music loudly in the shower and sings many songs oblivious to my tears! After 20 minutes she she comes out in a robe and says “ I’m not cooking tonight & we are going to eat out. Later at dinner she chuckled as I gingerly sat on a hard wooden chair in an outdoor restaurant that she chose! Disgraziato


I spank my husband when he deserves it, I goes over a desk and spreads his legs. Then I use a hairbrush on his butt until he is whimpering. It’s a great power trip and my panties get very damp, but no sex for him. I want him embarrassed, not horny. While in spanking him I call my mother so she can hear hairbrush meeting cheeks.

John Smith

This is where regular reassurance from the husband comes in. I have also experienced that a wife causing pain for her husband like this is not the most natural thing in the world. Hugs and kisses before the spanking work wonders. The husband taking the lead (e.g. dropping his pants without prompting) can also help with the initial reluctance. I know not everyone does this, but this is also an advantage of sex following the spanking: the husband expressing his affection for his wife taking the time to correct him.

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